I love Christmas. I love decorating for Christmas, and hosting gatherings and hunkering down with family for all things, well, Christmas. But it feels different this year. Distant, yet choking me at the same time.
I usually decorate the day after Thanksgiving but this year my mindset was…’let’s just get it over with’. I’m a bit, apathetic. Apathy is sometimes quicker than sadness or anger.
I decorated the entire tree without a single thought to where any of my ornaments came from. I have never decorated the tree and not meticulously given those moments to each ornament, for every ornament on my tree is different and special and rare (to me). But this year, I had to get to from point A (the box) to point pain (Melvin ornaments) to point just-get-it-over-with.
I know it won’t always be this way. Hell, I’m pretty sure that Joy is knocking on my heart as a type this, it’s just the first milestone in this year that is much harder than I expected. Maybe it’s because I bought up a ton of ‘Joy’ decorations over the years (like decorations that say ‘joy’) because Melvin personified Joy and now I have this Joy collection and it’s mocking me. Joy can apparently be hurtful!
I decided to not do stockings this year. That works out in so many ways – no one stocking is missing if they are all missing and I don’t have to worry about them catching on fire. Win, win.
I know this trip through Apathyville will be quick. It’s just not who I am. I knew going into this that he was gone, but knowing something and living some moments are two completely different things. Grief is like being on a train, you look out the window and wonder where you are at but you have faith that you must being going to the right destination. Then the next time you look out the window you know exactly where you are.
I did my card two weeks ago, again, to get it over with. I was so focused on a card that Melvin wasn’t on that I reused a Jake photo that I used on our card two years ago! Mom of the year! Sorry Jake, but I was trying to find one where your eye was not scary and I had to go back pretty far for a landscape photo!
It must be funny because I’m currently smiling. Every day is hard and easy and sad and remarkable. I accept that Christmas will be lovely and difficult. Jingly and quiet. Peaceful and punk.
There will be Joy. But there will not be any ‘Joy’ signs because they are in a box in the basement with all the stockings!