Doug is confined to the first floor for at least three months. I slept with him downstairs for a few nights but now I lay with him until he falls asleep, then I go upstairs.
I go upstairs so I can get some real rest. But for some reason (the reason is that I’m cray), I don’t sleep all that much. I watch Doug on camera. I let him sleep in the donut which is about 80% good at keeping him from licking his leg but 100% good at him sleeping more soundly. Still, I watch the camera throughout the night to be sure he does not lick, or get his leg stuck in the pen, or anything else I can make up that will probably never happen. Yet still, I watch.
Last week, I dozed off while watching the camera. I was awoken to the noise of Doug repositioning and having a hard time of it. I lifted my head to see what the noises were about and, I SAW A PERSON WALKING OUT OF THE MUDROOM – AT 3AM!
There are a lot of things that could have happened at this point. I mean until you are faced with an intruder, who knows what the response will be. Here is what I did. (The real F word will be replaced with more family friendly F words for this recap of events):
I leapt from my bed screaming, GET THE FUDGE AWAY FROM MY DOG YOU FORKER! I WILL FRIENDING KILL YOU, YOU MOTHER FINGER! I WILL FROGGING CUT YOUR THROAT! WHERE ARE YOU FRITO-NUT??!
I went tearing down the steps, screaming the above. I could feel veins in my head popping and there was no oxygen.
I would like to add here that I’m against violence. I cannot watch movies with even mild violent content. But if you are a person (or a bug) going towards my dogs with bad intention, I will frosting cut you.
Once I got downstairs, no one was there.
The alarm was still on and all the sensors were good, none of them had been tripped. I checked the security video from the other rooms, nothing. For a brief minute I thought maybe the video from the cameras was on a loop to fool me. WHO THE HELL DID I THINK WAS BREAKING INTO MY HOUSE? JASON BOURNE?
Doug was not sure what was happening but it made him wiggle with delight. Party at 3am!
Exhaustion got the best of me. I imagined I saw someone in the house because the video was rendering when I looked at it. After a quick sit on the couch to allow the heart attack to fully play out, and a few minutes pondering why I didn’t bring as much as a shoe downstairs as a weapon (what was my plan on this one???) I went back up to bed and tried to pretend I was normal. In my defense (who am I kidding), I’m not used to the dogs sleeping downstairs. They have always been upstairs with me. Also, (now I’m really reaching) when we are out in public, some people are a little too interested in Doug. We have been to adoption events where people follow us and I try to explain to them that Doug is not an adoptable. One even asked if I could take their number in case he ever is. (Wait, what??). So at this moment in Crazytown, I assumed someone had followed us home. Even though Doug had not been off our property for over a week.
Signed, Doug’s ninja sleep deprived mom.
Maybe I paid someone to jailbreak me. Ever think of that? You ruin everything, mother. 
I am so sorry you are sleep deprived but thank you for the giggle! Glad everything was safe and no Jason Bourne assassins in the house!
And I hear you on the too interested….I was at a flyball demo and someone asked if the dogs were up for adoptions, pointing to my yellow boy. I said no, these were our personal dogs, many of them rescues. They then asked if he wasn’t for adoption, would I consider selling him. Ummm….back away from my dog before I kick you. Something about the yellow boy that has people asking to buy him on a few occasions. 😛
I have a vision of you doing a karate kick at them to move away from the yellow boy!!
Frito-nut, my new favorite.
Mine too!
ha ha ha! I just love your blog. Isn’t it ironic that these dogs are supposed to protect us, and yet we turn into crazy tigers when we feel they are in danger. You are absolutely a GREAT pet mom. Hope the recovery continues to go well!!!! ps I have also had people ask about buying my dog, probably for fighting I guess, sad.
People are so odd! Thank you for always following along and supporting us!!! We love you!!!
Oh good I’m not the only irrational person who is terrified of someone stealing/harming my dogs. Now that there’s two of them I’m doubly weird about it. And the little one is so adorable everyone wants to “take her home.” I’m like uhm no back away from the cute one or I will cut you! Then again both are so neurotic that they’d probably be returned to us within a half hour or so… but still, totally freaks me out. And I lie and say they are not friendly, dumb as posts, pee on things, eat small children, etc. if someone acts TOO interested in them.
I’m totally exhausted lately as well (death in the family, huge remodeling project, family drama) and while this is nothing like seeing people who are not there, I keep having two very weird dreams, a) I’ve lost one of my dogs and can’t find them, I wake up in a total panic and b) I’ve gotten another one, a 3rd one, because 2 aren’t just frickin crazy enough and I’ve totally lost my mind. Though B makes me a little gleeful and happy inside (ok maybe I am insane). Your story made me giggle but from my state of exhaustion I feel for ya. I’m VERY glad someone was not trying to steal Doug
1. I’m sorry you lost someone. Grief is such a wild, unwanted ride. And then to add family drama is just too much. 2. We were separated at birth! People invaded personal space when Jakey was upright and able. I would not even let him be outside alone as I had so many strangers ask way too many questions about him. I did the same as you, ‘he has rabies, he eats children, he has feline aides, we don’t know how but it’s contagious’! 3. Both of those dreams would drive me to the deep(er) end!
Grief is a weird ride for me, I think I’m ok then I’m a raving lunatic for no apparent reason. Then I’m fine again for a while but it seems to sneak up on me and pounce when I least expect it.
I’m SO using the feline aids thing! But yeah, he’s got 1000 contagious diseases if it keeps people away from him. Plus I do not let others feed my boy anything, so I say he is allergic to everything edible. “oh, that has _________, no.. sorry he’s allergic he can’t have that” Fill in the blank with whatever it is crazy people are trying to give him!
*sigh* I SO want a puppy then I remember how incredibly insane they are until they’re…. well we’re still waiting for the younger one to outgrow it and she’s 5. Plus my boy just turned 10 and while he tolerates his sister he is not a huge fan of other dogs. Not like aggressive, just like they make him miserable and he’d rather not hang with them. So, no puppies for me, at least not in the near future
Gah! Scary! I’m glad someone wasn’t trying to take Doug.
Several times we were approached about Boomer. Someone wanted to buy him, another wanted to breed him, etc. It always freaked me out which he picked up on and then got protective of me.
Oh you poor thing. But thanks for sharing, this story made me chuckle a bit, albeit on your expense…sorry.
“I will frosting cut you!” Love it! 🙂 I would freak out on that level too & probably give the Mr. a heart attack. Sorry you’re going through so much nonsense. Hope you can get some sleep soon! <3
No one has ever been interested in Maggie & Duke, probably because they would never let anyone get close enough to touch them. A friend was so excited to finally pet Duke a few weeks ago but then realized he was extremely uncomfortable & stopped. He was giving her side eye, leaning away and had a "stranger danger!" look on his face even though he's known her for years. It's kind of flattering that people love Relic & offer to take him home or trade dogs, but so far it's been joking with friends, not creepy stalkers.
Oh my gosh, bless your poor exhausted heart! I’m glad Doug’s plan fell through! 😉
And thank you for some awesome “suitable for work” versions of the F-bomb!