Let there be light.

The days and weeks after Jake died, were absolutely the darkest of my moments. Jake was gone. Melvin was gone.

I was so lost.

I couldn’t solve anything. I’d gone from being Jake’s caretaker 24/7 to having no obvious purpose. The house had no dogs. That silence killed me a little each day. The days and weeks after Melvin died, were hard, but I felt him guiding me. Melvin is a part of me. I didn’t feel that connection to Jake after he died. He felt far and the void swallowed me.

I am not ashamed to say I had to take medication to get me through that period. It helped. It helped to give me space to breathe. Breathing is important.

Thirty nine days after Jake died (and exactly two years ago today). I saw this post:

Screen Shot 2018-08-14 at 6.59.30 PM

I had tried to meet dogs. They all made me cry. I scrolled past the post.

I had hyperventilated after meeting dogs. They weren’t Jake. I’m not ready. I scrolled back up to look at the post again.

I kept reaching for Jakey. I decided to just accept the emptiness in the house. It was too soon. I scrolled past the post again.

The dogs I had met were all wrong. A few hours later I checked that post to see how many likes it had. Scrolled back down again. Back up to count likes.

Next thing I know someone had commented. It was me. Well that’s strange, I didn’t remember doing that. Oh wait, now I’m sending them an email telling them the story of Jake and how I know without question this dog, whose name will never stay Hooty, this dog is part of my journey. Pleading with them to consider me, to let me give this dog a forever. I sent them a link to this blog to show my commitment to dogs.

Crazy grief filled dog lady, line 2.

At the same time, an angel of ours, who had adopted from this rescue group before, sent a message on our behalf. Likely negating some of the crazy, and pumping up some of the normal.

The rescue wrote back that they would not post him as adoptable until I was able to meet him.

We decided that Thursday, September 1st seemed like a good day to meet.

I slept better that night.  I felt Jakey inch a little closer to my heart.

To be continued…

9 thoughts on “Let there be light.

  1. We knew we were going to lose Rusty for a couple of months before cancer took over and we had to let him go. Even with the grieving before his loss, I was still devastated and felt like someone had ripped out my heart. Two days after we let him go a dear friend of mine posted a picture of a scrawny little puppy she was fostering and at the first glance I felt like someone had knocked me in the head and said “this is the one”. I tried to ignore it as I was still just a mess of grief. But each day the posts showed up and each photo told me the same thing. 6 weeks later I met her and brought home my sweet Jake. I firmly believe Rusty was with me in spirit and letting me know that this little pup would help me heal and also needed all the love I still had to give. They are quite similar in some ways and somehow spending time with Jake makes me think of Rusty and keeps him in my heart like he is right beside us in our new adventures. Our hearts can still have room for the old love and plenty of room for more.

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