Author Archives: OhMelvin

Hey, brother.

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Dear Melvin…I miss you. I mean like, I really miss you, not just your butt. She said it was a year ago that we said goodbye, I don’t understand the concept of time but it feels more like seven years, am I right?

I looked for you, for weeks.  I would howl in case you were lost and needed to hear my sweet Barry White voice to find your way back.  She and I were really sad.  I couldn’t even be around her because she reminded me of you.  I think she felt the same way about me. Eventually I had to stop being alone and start being there for her, just like you told me I would need to be. I try to love her as much as you love her, I think it’s working. She laughs a lot more now.

Lately, she has started saying, ‘you can’t go see your brother yet…’.  Wait, what? Is going to see you an option?  Truth is, I see you all the time. Like every time a sunspot shows up.  Or when I’m outside and the breeze blows my beautiful hairs around, it’s you.

She tried to bring me other brothers. She is funny.  I sent them packing.  I know, I know, you believe in ‘give peace a chance’ and no one appreciates that about you more than me. It’s why I am still alive.  But you know me, I shoot first and ask one question later: “Are you Melvin? No? Then GET OUT!”. I pledge allegiance to the brotherhood of Melvin and Jake.

You are my true love. You made me feel like Super Jake. You always loved me just as a I was. Losing you hurt real bad. I’m going to try to stay with her for a little while longer, she needs to soak in some more Jake awesomeness, but something tells me I may see you soon.  It’s going to be the most epic reunion ever! When I see you, I will run so fast with all my legs and I will jump straight into you! You might want to get protective padding.

It’s you and me and her. She says she wouldn’t change a single thing and I agree. We love you and miss you but are way more better for having had you here with us.  We will always be, three. Well, maybe four if you include your delicious butt.

I will take care of her and you know she will take care of me.

Be on the lookout for me.

I love you.

Jake

PS: We decided to only show the last part of the video, the part about all the love.  There is music so be sure you have sound, music makes everything better!  

Song credit is State of Grace by Taylor Swift, we hope she does not sue us!   

 

 

 

 

 

One year.

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Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of losing Melvin.  One time around the sun without him, which is poetic way of measuring it since he still shines so brightly in our lives.

I miss him. The all of me misses the all of him. It’s a permanent ache. There are moments that stop me in my tracks and the weight of the loss sits on me and I cry.  But that does not happen every day anymore.  Not even every week.  It just happens now and then, as I’m sure it will for the remainder of my life.

Losing him was hard but I love him more today than I did a year ago. I love him more than yesterday. The journey of grief is so strange.  Sometimes we forgot to applaud ourselves for the growth that occurs during it.

I have been working on a video, a chronological trip down photo lane of his life.  The video was therapy for me.  I started with the very fist photo I had of him and ended with the very last one taken of him (I’ll try to share it with you tomorrow if WordPress allows the large upload). I looked at every single photo and I reflected on our seven years together and a lot on the last year. A year where there are no photos of Melvin, an acceptance that there will be no more.

Here is what I have come to know…

  • Grief has a terrible job. It shows up the moment you couldn’t need it less and it’s required to stay with you until you are ready to let it go, which sometimes is never. We blame grief for a lot, when the reality is, it’s not griefs fault. Life sends grief in to collect on the debt of love. Life can be a real jerk sometimes.  Grief poured sadness down on me some days and I begged for mercy. Then it shined moments of happiness on me and made me feel more capable. Then sadness, then happiness.  Grief gets stuck on a hurtful loop some days. Grief stayed and guided me and in some ways kept me company. It did its job and a few months ago I felt grief waving goodbye. It left a part of itself with me in the form of sadness I will forever feel for Melvin’s absence. That sadness will always be a part of me, but it no longer rules me. Grief taught me that, life will be a new version of ok if I let it be. And I did and it is.
  • For the first time in my life, I did grief right.  I let it guide me. I let it make me feel whatever it was that it was going to make me feel. I didn’t apologize for it, I just went with it. The only thing I wouldn’t let grief do was to drop anger off (trust me, it tried). From the moment Melvin got cancer to today, anger has not been a part of our journey. I know it’s not that way for everyone, grief is unique, you have to follow your own path. But for me, I cannot associate anger with anything regarding Melvin.  It wasn’t always easy, but we won in life and I am a stronger, kinder, and more understanding of how life goes after losing him. I channel my inner Melvin.
  • When you lose someone, even though they are gone, the relationship continues. After death, love lives on. I can say with absolute certainty that in this past year, my relationship with Melvin has grown. There is a spiritual bond, he is a part of me in the most beautiful ways.
  • I missed spring last year,  I must have been crying.  But this year, warmth and blooms and longer days remind me of Melvin.  This is the first spring he will be completely allergy free. That makes me really happy.
  • I always wanted a bonded pair.  I had no idea how connected they would end up being. In looking at the photos I realize now, that in the beginning, it was actually Melvin who would seek Jake out.  It was Melvin who would inch closer to his brother, even at risk of Jake lunging at his face. It was Melvin who opened up the door for their beautiful love. Jake, having lived a life before of us of having very little love, took a leap of faith with Melvin, and hit jackpot. Years prior, Melvin took the same leap with me.
  • There are very few photos of Melvin and I together.  That doesn’t upset me. As I was going through the photos I realized that in 99.9% of them, I’m the photographer.  That look on his face, is him looking at me.  And that look is what I remember and that look is everything.
  • Jake and I are so alike, it took this year for me to realize it. Jake and I suffered the same great loss, and in our grief, the only thing we wanted was Melvin back.  For a while, that meant that each of us needed space from the other, to be alone. But there came a time that we realized we needed each other more. Our love is forever cemented in the  year we traveled together, learning to live without our best friend.
  • A year can feel like it passed in the blink of an eye at the same time it feels like infinite time and space.
  • You can never predict what will break you.
  • I get why people say ‘I will never get another dog’.  I say it now, just thinking about losing Jake and going through this all over again.  But the truth is, the love is always worth the grief. Always. Love is strong and wild and soul changing. Grief can’t erase it. And I know, eventually, there will be other dogs and I know that Max and Melvin and even Jake expect nothing less of me.
  • Love is why we are here.

Thank you, all of you, for standing with us this past year.  For following along and holding space for us. I love this blog, I love coming here to put my thoughts together, I love that I can share just about anything here and I love the love you give us.

A year later, we are good.  We are happy, we are joy seekers! Melvin is a part of every day and he does now what he has always done, he guides us forward and fills us with love.

We are blessed.

#lovesliveson

Photo credit: Kate Juliet Photography

 

 

Oh, Jake.

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I am currently staring at Jake. I don’t know about others but after a cancer diagnosis, staring time picks up. Since Jake doesn’t know he has cancer, he probably just thinks I’m stalking him. He’s so vain, he probably thinks this blog post is about him.

I don’t think about his cancer all the time, he and I have agreed to just exist (ok fine, I decided for him). Every now and then reality knocks and I’m reminded our time is going to be cut short. I’m not counting months, but I know it’s coming. I watch that rear left leg falter and I’m reminded that sadness is looming around the corner.

Losing Jake, feels impossible on its own.  Jake is my  baby, I don’t know if that is because he is little or because he needs me so much or because he wears diapers or because I have to carry him. He is my little, big baby. Jake is also a connection to Melvin. He is the only living creature who loves Melvin as much as I do. There is the difficult reality that both Jake and Melvin will be gone.  I’ve committed to letting Jake be an only dog for the time he has left so there will come a day that I walk into this house and there are no dogs.  And that feels…well it feels a little impossible.

These moments, where all these realities collide, they don’t own the day.  We are in fact, enjoying spring, finding reasons to laugh and living like cancer is not our roommate. I am operating under the assumption that I will be changing his diaper for many, many more months to come.  Joy still owns this joint.

I’ve been working on a project with Melvin photos and videos.  It’s a win, win – I end up with something special and it has helped me so much to go through our lifetime of photo memories. From the moment I got Melvin, I felt we were destined to be together.  In going through the photos I realized that Jake and Melvin, were also meant to be.

Jake continues the completion of my life for me, but I think in order to complete Jake, I just had to get him (in this life) to Melvin. Not that being with me hasn’t been spectacular (doy!), and obviously as Jake’s ONLY CARETAKER I’m needed, but Jake’s greatest joy, was always Melvin. It is so evident in the photographs. Melvin gave him calm, and confidence and purpose and love. Melvin made Jake whole. Even the behaviorist said that, Melvin healed Jake in a way we will never understand.

I was Melvin’s joy. Melvin is Jake’s joy. They are my joy. No matter what happens, we won.

When Jake’s time does come (in hopefully 55 years), it will be so bittersweet.  He’ll be leaving me but at that very moment, he will see Melvin.  And for Jake, that will be everything.

These boys, they give me strength, even when they are breaking me. Love is strange and strong and for us, always worth it.

Lastly, life lessons can occur at any hour of the day. Jake poop’d in the middle of the night last night. I leapt up to clean up and ended stepping barefoot into it. I started laughing hysterically. I don’t know if was insanity or truly a commitment to love, but I realized these moments, even the crap moments, our life is unfolding. Life doesn’t wait for us to live it. You have to march forward, through the poop, and keep giving it all that you have. Hold on tight, cause it might just be glorious!

Happy weekend!

My new cuff bracelet…

Jake’s new outdoor bed (still too cold to go outside) and I think the mat being there (it goes outside too) is poetic.  We say ‘nope’ to cancer! 

Melvin’s Project Joy: April 2016

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Time for more giving! As we come up on the year anniversary of losing Melvin, and as Jake and I move together on his journey, this month we celebrate our cancer dogs.

As a reminder, each month, we do a giveaway that celebrates the unique nature of our furry friends. There are monthly categories (so far we have done: seeing impaired, hearing impaired, less than four legs, anxiety stricken and senior dogs).

Here is how it works…

This goes beyond just a giveaway (but yes, there is of course some loot!). Our goal is to remind each other that we are all in this crazy life together. That through these giveaways, we can all bring empathy into play. As you share stories of your cancer dogs, read the stories of others. You may nod, and realize just how much we all have in common. You can message others and share your experiences and advice. Friendships will form. Support can be shared. Joy will be spread!

Share your cancer dog (or dogs) (their name, a photo. and the story about their awesomeness) on either our Facebook page containing this post, on Sirius Republic’s Facebook page when they share this post. If you are not of the Facebook world, you can email your info to ohmelvinyojake@gmail.com. No matter how you submit your info, you will be entered to win. You can nominate your dog if they are still with you or if you have lost them.

READ ALONG AS OTHERS POST. DON’T FORGET TO REACH OUT.

In celebration of the blog turning five, we will pick five winners at the end of this month! Five dogs will win a Sirius Republic gift cert!

 

Does a blog about dogs age in dog years or calendar years?

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April 1st is the blog’s birthday.  No fooling. I have never missed the anniversary, until this year.  In fact, had Facebook not sent me my daily-memory-reminder-for-years-past, I don’t think I would have remembered at all!

Losing Melvin softened some of my Type A’ness. At first it drove me nuts but now I just go with it!

So yay us! Friday marked five years of blogging! Woot woot!

The very first thing I felt when I realized the anniversary was gratitude, for all of you.  I love writing, coming here and sharing our life and having a repository for my thoughts, is my happy place.  You are part of our village!  This past year has been hard and having this blog and having posts to look back on has been a source of great healing and inspiration for me.

So thank you, for you!

I don’t know what this next year and blogging will bring. Jake’s time with me is going to be short. That is a reality. And even though this blog was my outlet for grief this past year, I don’t really want to write about grief…again. Heck, I don’t want to feel grief again but that is a whole different set of emotions! I’m not sure how long of a period there will be when there are no dogs here.  This clearly falls into, ‘we don’t know what we don’t know’.

For now, this blog is five and this blog is incredibly special to me and you, each of you, make my day regularly!

Thank you for following along, for loving my boys and for laughing and crying with us. Thank you for all things you! High-five to five!

In year one, there was just me and Melvin. And his girlfriend, fluffy pillow.

In year two, there was a new house and Melvin clearly hated it. 

In year three, Jake joined.  He has always been so comfortable and natural in front of the camera. 

In year four, there was so much love, we almost imploded. 

And in year five, it was this guy and me. He is still so relaxed when the camera comes out. 

Jake snuggles now.

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Up until about a month ago, the only one who was ever successful at snuggling with Jake regularly daily hourly constantly was Melvin. Jake would snuggle with me if Melvin was snuggling with me, also known as jealous snuggling (he was jealous that Melvin was snuggling someone else).  He would snuggle if I constantly petted him.  If I stopped, say to itch my nose or reach for my drink, he was gone. There was never a single time I didn’t feel like I was holding him hostage.

The day we found out about his cancer I got down on the floor with him laid next to him.  I didn’t do anything but lay there, eventually he laid down too. WAIT, WHAT WAS HAPPENING? So I continued to just get on the floor with him, both of us just chilling out.

Then I inched closer for a few times, he was…calm.  I sorta kicked myself for not TRAINING him to snuggle sooner.  Now…he and I snuggle.  I wrap my arms around him, we nap, he rolls back…into me. I don’t know why it has happened, if he sensed I needed it or if he just got tired of fighting it, but my little dude snuggles now!  Maybe he pretends like I’m Melvin.  I am fine with that too.

Zero pictures of this phenomenon.  But its pretty friggen awesome.

Here are some photos of him being adorable.

The laying down ‘superman’

“Who is that sexy beast in the photo?”

Gaurd dog. 

Have a great weekend!

 

The little leg that couldn’t.

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Jake has a nerve sheath tumor, basically taking up his entire hind left leg.  On the MRI, his right (healthy) leg showed up as completely black and his chicken (cancer) leg showed up as completely white. He also has a tumor (that caused his leg cancer) at the bottom portion of his spine and add to that his normal spinal challenges and that leg has a lot working against it.

For a while now, even before diagnosis, I have noticed that the left leg never really makes it all the way to where Jake is going.  I usually follow-up behind him and help that leg get to where it needs to go.  What I don’t know is if Jake means to leave it behind, since I think both of us secretly wish it would just fall off (sorta like a Barbie’s leg pops off, not what it would really be like if his leg just fell off!).

We see the oncologist Thursday for our first appointment post radiation.  We’ll keep you posted on wonkier leg!

Melvin’s urn.

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Who in the world wants to type the title of this blog post with their dog’s name before ‘urn’? No one, that’s who. I personally do not want to pick a casket or an urn for any loved one.  Also, I pretty much refuse to say urn or casket and almost always go with ‘container’ which also confuses people but it just feels gentler. But ‘Melvin’s container’ might have left some of you wondering if you should read this or not.  I guess to be fair, you still may feel that way!

When it comes to pets and cremation, I have not found there to be (although to be honest I have never asked) a choice of container.  Sure, there are tons of options online, but I think each crematory probably delivers everyones ashes back in their standard container and if you don’t like it, you might search for a different one.

Ok, now that I have gotten that out of the way (and it was sorta necessary for this post) maybe we can shake of the chills that the word ‘crematory’ brings.

Melvin’s ashes came to me in a wooden box.  It was a fine wooden box.  I mean, there is nothing wrong with it, but to be honest, there is nothing right about it either.  I think that would probably go for whatever container they put his ashes in at first.  Since my plan does not involve scattering his ashes, over the past year I have looked at (and yes talked to) that wooden box and always, every time, felt…I need to find a different container.

Then I recalled a container idea I had seen a while ago.  When I had first seen the idea I thought it was brilliant but at that point I thought Melvin had such a long life ahead of him that I would surely forget it.  Not the case, but still a win.

Melvin loved Kongs.  LOVED.  Kongs were a part of his every day.   This is a snapshot of our collection from a few years back.

I had gotten both him and Jake a Kong wobbler (only to have them destroy drywall when they were flinging them around the house) so I quickly took them away and put them in a cabinet.  It’s funny looking back.  At that moment when I took them away, I knew with certainty that I was never letting them play with them again (seriously, I had to have drywall replaced!) but yet I saved them. Sigh.

And from this…

Became this…Melvin’s ashes are now inside it.

For the first time, his container feels as right as possible.  What I love most about it, is that Kong Wobbler was dinged, and scratched and all Melvin’d up.  Just the way I like it.

I did have to transfer his ashes out of the original box AND the velvet pouch they came in, into one of my socks (the pouch was way too bulky).  This didn’t really cause me too much anxiety except I did reach in to make sure the ashes were in plastic inside the velvet pouch (they were, whew!).  I stared at the ashes for a bit, reminding myself they were no longer the all of Melvin, just a tiny piece of him left behind. I transferred them to the sock and as I was fitting the pouch into the Kong (a feat way easier said than done) I kept saying ‘just squeeze in a little more bud, I almost have it closed’.

Crazy, party of one!

Radiation is over!

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Jake’s three intense days of radiation are over.  The biggest negative so far has been Jake’s smokers cough from have a breathing tube three days in a row.  The coughing was pretty hard to watch and hear but he’s much better today.  One more day or two and it should be all gone.

Jake is doing great so far.  I did have to switch him from his raw diet to a cooked bland diet during radiation.  I could tell he was nauseous and the liquid burps picked up. Jake is super dramatic with his liquid burps. The burp occurs and then he gargles and thrust his head backwards and arches his back and then he chomps on said liquid burp so he can really own how disgusting he is. I had consulted with a Vet Nutritionist prior to radiation so I was ready to go when the burping first signs of upset started. Jake will stay on the bland cooked diet until our two week oncology check-up, then he will likely move on to a cooked balanced diet.

I am pro whatever diet works best.  If someone comes at me anti-raw, I just agree to disagree. I am also not going to push you into raw. I take care of my dogs, you take care of yours, it’s all good. The point of seeking out a nutritionist (who happens to be ok with raw diets) was to figure out what is best for Jake now that he has cancer and will be going through radiation side effects.  So now, I cook for him.  And to be honest, I love it.  It fills up my need to nurture him in every way possible.  At first it seemed like a lot of work with the cooking and measuring and weighing. But Sunday I made his meals for this week and it felt really great to have it done and to have prepared it just for him.

I can’t cure him, but there are so many other ways I can heal him.

We go back to the oncologist in two weeks. With Jake’s radiation, the digestive side effects can show up right away but the other side effects usually take about 2-3 weeks to show up. Those can include internal and external burning.  I almost passed out when they said ‘internal burning’.  Not that external burning sounds like a party bus but I pretty much assumed external issues.  The oncologist thought Jake’s external side effects should be minimal due to his thick muscle mass and due to the radiation targeting deeper, past the skin.  He may lose some hair and we will watch for burns on his skin but for the most part, most of his burning will probably be on the inside. It’s just as it sounds, he will feel a burning sensation in the area above his left hip. And that should last a week or two and can be managed with an increase in pain meds.

Jake won’t have any more scans. Radiation buys us time. We are on a course of joy. When the balance of joy to struggle begins to shift in the wrong direction, I will know.  Jake’s cancer can be painful.  He already carries spinal cancer, a bum eye, hind leg weakness and a MRSP infection. Decisions from here on out will be made the same way they have been in the past. With love.

For now, he is fine. He loves his new food regime, radiation seems to have given him super-hero-energy because he has been very playful and spunky the past few days.  He’s in great hands with our regular vet, our oncologist, his holistic vet and his nutritionist.

It just occurred to me, Jake is a Kardashian.

Here is Spunky Brewster getting his laser done yesterday.  Usually he’s calm and relaxed but Radiation Jake was squirming all around and rolling back and forth, almost giggling like a little girl!

Kids and kindness.

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Kids gravitate to Jake.  I think they see him as a live bobble head and know that hilarity will ensue. Maybe they relate to his diaper. Whenever I am with the kids in my life, they either ask to see photos of Jake or to check-in on the live Jake cam.  There have been times when the visual of Jake has taken a child from tantrum to laughter.  Nine times out of ten, when I see Hadley, Blake, Lane, Maddy or Emmie, the very first thing they will ask is ‘How is Jakie’?

Jake has not always reciprocated that love back.  There was the time that Princess TuTu came over, in a tutu (thus the name) and Jake latched onto the tutu as she tried to run away from him.  He refused to let go.  It was not adorable. We finally got him off of it. Jake also used to be an ankle biter (his way of getting kids and other dogs to play but no living creature has ever enjoyed it or seen it as an awesome way to be invited to have fun). Most of them just screamed ‘HE’S BITING ME’!   I obviously trained him not do it.

For a while now, he has been kid-tested, mom-approved. As long as no one wears a tutu.

This past week, a little peanut named Peyton stopped off with her awesomely, thoughtful mom (and our other sweet peanut Laney Bug) and dropped a gift basket off for Jakie.  The day they stopped by was one of our less than great radiation days – the visit and the basket turned our day around.

Heart full.

 

 

Super Jake.

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Jake started radiation.  As quickly as he starts it, it will be over.  He only has to do three days.  To be honest, I’m much more concerned (at this point) about him being under anesthesia three days in a row.  I can worry about the side effects of radiation after that. The Oncology Service knows what they are doing. I dropped him off and his dedicated tech came out to get him.  When I picked him up, he was carried out to the car with his belongings.  It’s an awesome practice and I have complete faith in them. Since Jake has MRSP, he’s in a more secluded area which all know works out just fine.  No wonky lunging at other cancer patients!

Jake is having a relatively new form of radiation available to pets called, Stereotactic radiation (SRT).  This radiation benefits Jake (personally) in two ways.  1. The protocoled radiation treatment for Jake’s cancer is 20 days of consecutive radiation (and anesthesia). That much anesthesia felt worrisome to me (and his medical team) since he is smooshy faced and has breathing issues. He is getting almost the same amount of radiation benefit in just 3 days.  2. Fewer side effects (hopefully).  If you are at all interested, here is a blurb about it (copy credit to The Veterinary Cancer Center). If you are not interested (we forgive you!) you can skip down.

Stereotactic radiation (SRT) and Intensity Modulated Radiation Therapy (IMRT) are becoming more readily available for animals. In the past, traditional radiation therapy to treat cancer in pets would usually result in significant side effects and many owners would decide not to pursue treatment because of this. IMRT and SRT are changing the way that we are able to treat cancer in pets, and they have great potential to improve both your pet’s quality and quantity of life.

What is Stereotactic Radiation or Stereotactic Radiosurgery? 
Stereotactic radiation, also known as stereotactic radiosurgery, involves delivering a small number of large radiation doses to the tumor, in the hope of causing maximal tumor damage while limiting the dose to the normal tissues. Usually this is done in 1 to 3 treatments over a short period of time. With stereotactic radiation, a large number of beams are directed at your pet from all different angles and the shape of the radiation beam is changed, during treatment, to deliver radiation where it is needed most.
What tumors can be treated with SRT? 
SRT can be used to treat a variety of tumors, including brain tumors, pituitary tumors, nasal tumors and other tumors involving the head and neck. It also can be used to treat tumors of the spine and some parts of the abdomen or chest. It can be used for pets when daily visits and anesthesia may be too dangerous.
Prior to radiation, I had our consult with the nutritionist (who I LOVE).  The plan is that I will keep Jake on his raw diet as long as he does not exhibit any digestive issues.  If he has a hard time during radiation, I will give him a bland diet (cooked lean turkey or beef and white potatoes), then go back to raw.  If he develops any ongoing digestive upset, we will change his diet to a cooked/balanced diet that the nutritionist will outline for us. You know I love a good plan!
For now, Jake is doing great. One day down, day two in progress!
Here is Super Jake after day one, keeping watch over his kingdom.

Leaving.

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I went on an annual family vacation this past week.  We spent 4 days in the Bahamas, soaking in sun, adult beverages and family time.  Last years trip was impacted by Melvin’s cancer (and that’s ok) but this year I was able to go, and breathe and relax a little.

Leaving Melvin was not always easy, not so much the me leaving him part but the him being left part. From the moment my suitcases would come out for packing, Melvin would get antsy and sad.  He’d cling to me in a ‘no, don’t go, how could you leave me?’ way.  He’d whimper when I’d say good-bye and he’d try to come out the door with me as I left. When I’d return, he’d greet me with whole-body-wiggles and kisses and then give me the cold shoulder for a week. Punishment at its finest.

Jake is different.  When I get the suitcases out, Jake sees them a new bed. When I give him an extra long good-bye hug, he get’s annoyed and tries to break free.  When I give him one last glance, he gives me the ‘are you still here’ look.  And when I come back, it’s as if he didn’t even notice I was gone.  He comes waltzing out as if he just saw me ten minutes ago.

 

Here are some photos of Jake’s time with his sitter and my view in the Bahamas!

‘Are you my new mom now, cause I’m cool with whatever?’

 

If this isn’t a bobble head, I’m not sure what is. 

Paradise Island…

 

Jake takes over.

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What’s up my peoples? Life here is GREAT!

For a week or two she kept taking me places where I’d fall asleep and wake up wonkier than usual.  I started worrying that aliens had abducted me but she assured me that it was just for some tests (wait, isn’t that what aliens would do?)  To be honest, I love a good nap so no complaints here!

A few times when I woke up from the wonky state, her eyes were leaking but then she fixed her eyes and now it’s pretty much just ‘love on Jakie 24/7’.  As it should be.

Seriously, here is what I have put together…leaky eyes leads to:

  • Her laying on the floor with me all the time! I love it!
  • Peanut butter.  A lot of peanut butter!  She says ‘life is short, eat the peanut butter’ and I say ‘yes ma’am can I have another’
  • Love. I mean I already felt a lot of love from her but now she’s singing and dancing and she picks me up and we dance together and I’m not gonna lie, we could be on dancing with the stars! She usually sings that song that is on the radio…”I’ll be here to save the day, Superman’s got nothin on me, I’m only one call awayyyyyyyyyyyyy”.
  • Stories about Melvin.  Lately she has been telling me how alike me and the big guy are, how we stole her heart and she wouldn’t have it any other way.  Any mention of Melvin, makes me swoon so hard. I love him, more than peanut butter.

So all is great here!  My legs drag sometimes but it don’t bother me.  I just pull them around like the sultry beast that I am.  I make wonky look sexy.  True story.

Her rolly bag came out and she put stuff in it so that means that Tayler is coming to stay with me and that is seven different shades of awesome! Unlike my brother who got upset when she’d leave, I do not care as much.  She will leave, Tayler will come, it will be awesome, she will come back, that’s awesome too.  It’s all good up in my hood!

Peas out.

PS. here are some photos of me that prove my sexiness.

Sexy evidence #1. How is this for ‘the thinker’, Rodin? (Although I say ‘thinker’ she says ‘stinker’.  She is not funny.)

Sexy evidence #2. Some are not confident for a close up but when you’re as incredibly attractive as I am…it don’t matter. 

Sexy evidence #3. I dare anyone who claims that neck waddles are not sexy to look at this and not see hotness. Boom, told you. My band name should be ‘neck waddles by the fire’. 

 

The plan.

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Jake’s treatment plan has been outlined and scheduled. Sometimes when things like cancer come up, you have plans with the oncologist and you have plans with the vet(s) and you have concerns that need addressing and you have to act as the liaison between everyone and be sure that it’s not just about each doctor’s responsibility, it’s also got to be what’s best for Jake overall.

For instance, this week I am having a consult with a vet nutritionist in CT. My goals are to be sure that Jake’s nutrition is right during radiation, right after treatment and right for all his other issues. Right?!

Next week, Jake will have three intensive days of radiation.  He’ll have to be anesthetized each day. Three days of treatment, and then, we’re done. Side effects, if he were to have any, would occur 7-10 days after treatment.  The side effects, which should be minor, are the only non-joy things I’m wiling to proactively take on. If a few days of discomfort give us six months, I’ll take it. If it was going to be months of pain or discomfort, that is not road I’d take us down.

I cancelled our upcoming behaviorist appointment. He can be as horrible as he wants! The behaviorist agreed.

I’m handling Jake’s cancer very…tactically.  It’s not at all how I handled Melvin’s cancer. There is no guide (is there?). My goal is to remain upright. I don’t think about him having cancer 24/7.  In fact, wile I think about it more right now due to all the appointments we have scheduled, I’m hoping/thinking that we will have some time where cancer is just a thing, not THE thing. Honestly, I have no idea what I’m doing but I’m guided by love so it will be ok.

These days are emotionally complicated for so many reasons. Jake has cancer. The cure for his cancer is removing it which is not an option for us. I’m being reminded by Facebook about  where we were with Melvin last year. The year anniversary of losing him is coming up. I’m trying to live in he moment — which is hard when during this month I do want to look back and honor Melvin and I want to look forward past the radiation to how I can give Jake joy. There is one thing that is exactly the same between last year and this year — nights are hard. I cry. I worry. I try to have the next day planned out so I can wake up and go.

Our new reality and the timing of it, makes me miss Melvin even more.

This weekend, Jake did something and it made me laugh and for no reason my eyes filled up with tears and I was still laughing but I was also crying and well, who hasn’t been there. But then my phone lit up, a post popped up in my memory update…the one about Jake knowing Melvin had cancer before me (click here). And just like that, it made me remember that we were meant to be.  No matter what comes our way, we stand by each other. Laughing or crying, just show up.

Many have suggested that we do a bucket list.  I love to read about humans who do bucket lists for their dogs!  The problem is, Jake does not enjoy adventure. Like not at all. Jake hates change. If I switch up the door we walk out of, he hyperventilates. He does not enjoy going to new places (although he does enjoy being in the car). The only thing Jake would put on his bucket list is if I could take him to a field where he could hunt (and catch!) squirrels and bunnies and frogs. (I’m working on this one). And we are planning on going back to the beach this summer too!

Here is the little chicken, being adorable…

 

 

March on.

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One year ago today, the day after Melvin’s birthday, I took Melvin for a ultrasound at a specialist and heard the words ‘I have terrible news, I’m so sorry’ followed by, ‘…probably only days’, when I asked how long he had.

The days that followed were the some of the most impossible moments I have known. Those weeks when the prognosis was ‘any moment’, I was grasping at time, and love and air… I never knew how dark the night could be. I spun, out of control. I was afraid to leave him. I tried so hard to hold onto him and love him.

The knowledge of pending death is confusing and overwhelming and terrible and sad and you are forced into mourning, before the death even occurs.  One year ago, we weren’t given good news, much time, or any treatment options. But we were given love. So much joyful love. And that love is everything and trumps anything and everything we weren’t given. Seriously people, there are no guarantees.  We suggest love. Love is a solid plan.  Seek love, give love, love love.  Create reasons for others to love, high five love, shower in love. Let love own you and guide you and let it light up all the darkness.

Love can get help you through. Love can heal you. Love lives on.

Melvin was diagnosed a year ago – Jake was diagnosed 19 days ago. 8,328 hours separate the words ‘he has cancer’ between them.  Brothers in life. Brothers in death. Brothers in cancer.  These two have an odd sense of timing and really take their bond to the extreme!

Thankfully, last March does not define all the others. It does not represent this March.  Even though we are embarking on a cancer journey at the same time this year, we have opportunities we did not have last year.  Last March is over.  This March has just begun.

“Hey, psssst, lets get cancer one year apart.” “Ok, sounds fun!”

Happy Birthday, angel!

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Today would have been Melvin’s 11th birthday.  I am infinitely happy that he was born, that he proved to be too much for his first family and that he ended up on small lab rescue site that I happened to stumble upon.

Aside from the one-year anniversary of losing him (coming up in April), this birthday, is our last ‘first’ without him. In fact, we found out about his cancer the day after his birthday last year. I sorta like that his birthday is our last hurdle of all the firsts, because there are very few things in life I am more profoundly joyful about than the fact that he was born. Today, we celebrate that he was here, that he was ours!

Melvin, Jake and I miss you every minute of everyday, but we also feel your love and guidance.  You are with us, we know it.  A beautiful part of our soul and happiness and joy. Happy Birthday my sweet, angel!  You and I (and Jake) were written in the stars. We love you, forever!

Today, in honor of Melvin, please go hug a senior (dog or human).  But of course, ask first!

And here are my past birthday letters to Melvin (since starting the blog)

7th Birthday

8th Birthday

9th Birthday (this one may be my favorite)

10th Birthday (even if I had known what was coming the next day, this is still the letter I would have written).

Great bad news.

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I was starting to worry that we had not heard from the oncologist because it was terrible news.  As it turns out, it was really good bad news.

Jake’s cancer has not ‘officially’ metastasized.  There were some lymph nodes that could be questionable early metastasis but there were no obvious tumors in his lungs or abdomen (aside from what we already knew).

His treatment plan is a three day regimen of intense radiation (this plan is a little less radiation than the 15-20 day option but far more radiation that the palliative approach).  Then Jake will be done with treatment and he will just live a life of joy until it’s time to go be with Melvin.  We expect him to have about six months.  There are no guarantees so while it could be shorter, it could always be longer too.  I’m glad his treatment will be quick so that we can get going on the joyful part.

To make it slightly more challenging, the telling sign that his cancer is winning the war will be increased hind leg weakness. Funny,  right? That is something that will already be on the decline due his spine issues. Way to keep me on my toes Jake!

I know that Jake will let me know when it’s time. For now, I’m grateful we have options, I’m so happy we can have a little more time together.  His next six months will be packed with sweetness and love. This is so much more than others get; we will take it with gratitude and won’t waste a single minute of it.

Have a great weekend!

Not all cancers are the same.

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Jake has his CT scan tomorrow.  Almost a year ago (about three weeks shy of a year), Melvin had his CT scan.

Prior to Melvin, my experience with cancer and dogs has been with my friend Virginia’s four-legged kids.  Her dogs Sosa and Beauty both had a sudden issue come up (years apart), cancer was discovered (with no prior symptoms) and both went to heaven the day of diagnosis. I don’t know how Virginia and her family made it through that once, let alone twice.

Then Melvin got Hemangiosarcoma.  From the day of diagnosis it was repeated over and over to me that he could die at any minute. I lived on the edge of fear and anxiety and sadness.  Not just that I would lose him, but that he could collapse suddenly. I barely ate or slept, I rarely left the house. I had showers down to three minutes and I’d come running out of the bathroom to make sure Melvin was still with me. Every night I’d say an I love you that was worthy of goodbye and every morning I wondered if that would be the day.  It was infinitely scary.

So canine cancer to me = sudden heartache and loss, or having your best friend being a ticking time bomb.

Jake’s cancer is different.  I mean it’s still cancer.  But he has, for lack of a better way of putting it, normal cancer.  The outcome will be the same, but the progression will hopefully be more of a timeline. I say normal goodnights to Jake. I don’t get up and check his gum color several times a night. I only get up the one time to clean up his meatballs, as per usual!  He’s allowed to have normal activity.  When I check in on him while I’m out (via the Dropcam), it’s to see if he’s pooped, not to see if he is still alive.

Jake’s cancer is not the same as Melvin’s cancer (or Sosa’s or Beauty’s).  I have to remind myself of this, many, many times a day. I’m trying to be more relaxed, more in the moment, more easy going. Jake’s cancer is equally as heartbreaking and the thought of losing him…I can’t even go there.  But oddly, it’s easier for me to focus.  Easier for me to make sure he isn’t faced with a hot mess of a mother 24/7. It’s even easier for me to joke with him …’you didn’t have to go and get cancer just to get more peanut butter, bud, we could have worked something out’.

I’m jam packing his days with joy. And treats.

At Melvin’s CT, there was metastasis and they said the words, ‘terminal, nothing we can do’.  But here I am, a year later, and I am filled with hope that on Jake’s CT, they will say…it has not spread, lets buy him some time with radiation.  Jake’s cancer is not Melvin’s cancer, there is every reason to believe we will have some options.

We will let you know what we hear back.  In the meantime, here is my handsome baby seal boy.

He’s upright again!

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I don’t post videos of Jake too much.  I have found that when I do it makes people feel bad, because he seems to struggle so much.  But the reality is that he is his own form of OK.  He is normal, for Jake.  But going from not being able to use his hind legs to having use of them, seems like a good time for me to show how amazing my little man is.  We went out back, on damp grass (no chafing or scraping on damp grass!) and he just…had the best time!

I give you, getting back to his normal self, Jake! The sideway shuffle is new but I like it, it makes him seem jazzy.

 

 

A little update and more waiting.

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I’m going to give you the CliffsNote version of the what the oncologist said because quite frankly there is still so much we don’t know.  Keep in mind that Jake’s cancer(s) were seen via MRI when looking at his spine so we still need to take a look at them in other ways.

We have to get a CT scan of his entire body to look more closely at everything and most importantly, to look for metastasis.  If there is metastasis, Jake’s time with me will be very short.

There are some things that we can confirm.  Jake has at least one cancer, the one in his thigh.  A nerve sheath tumor that arose from the end of his spine, where his spinal nerves are. That one seems pretty advanced. He may or may not have kidney cancer, that tumor needs a closer look.  There is a mass, on his kidney, but the confusing part about that one is that if it is kidney cancer, he should probably be gone already.

This is the part I should mention the somewhat debilitating dejavu that I have faced over the past two weeks.  I guess it’s not dejavu if you actually know for certain you have lived it before.

  • The week before I found out about Melvin’s cancer, I bought a necklace with his and Jake’s name on it.  Two weeks ago I bought a ‘m&J’ necklace.
  • A few days after Melvin’s diagnosis, we had a snowstorm, ditto for Jake.
  • At Melvin’s oncologist appointment, we also scheduled a CT scan with them saying ‘if it is this type of cancer, and his tumor is 9 cm, we’d expect him to be gone by now’.  Verbatim words spoken today about Jake (although a different cancer).

And now you see why I am full of hope and despair equally, 24/7.  They are two peas, one pod.  It’s crazy.

If Jake’s cancer has not spread we will opt for a 3 day intensive radiation approach over a 15 day radiation option, mostly because both require anesthesia and 15 days straight of anesthesia on a brachycephalic dog is not ideal.  The 15 day is the suggested protocol and even though the three day is less tested, it has shown to be ‘equally as good’ on cancers similar to Jake’s.

If there is no metastasis, and we do radiation, we could be looking at anywhere from 3-6 months, maybe a little more depending on what the CT scan shows in terms of the cancer(s). So much depends on the CT scan which is scheduled for next Wednesday.

There were two surgical ‘ideas’ thrown out but I’m not sure they are actually options just yet.  One, if the kidney tumor is indeed kidney cancer, we could opt to remove his kidney and the tumor to buy him some time. This is one of those ‘what is the recovery time like versus how much time does it buy’ decisions.  The other idea is to possibly remove Jake’s hind leg.  To truly remove that cancer, they’d likely have to take the end portion of his spine, and 1. that might not even be a real option and 2. that is a quality of life decision we’d all have to consider for a dog with Jake’s issues.  That would completely take away his hind leg mobility, maybe more.  I’d have to give soul searching thought to how much time that buys versus what that would do to the joy.  And again, the surgeon might say no to that being an option altogether.

So, we wait. Wednesday is a week away, that’s a lot of love and snuggles and vodka.  There will (hopefully) be decisions to make next week and all of them, will focus on what gives Jake the greatest opportunity for joy over the next few weeks and months.

And lastly, I am hanging in there. It does not appear he will be with me as long as I’d hoped, but today is no different than two weeks ago.  We are living the best life we can, together.  And I’m grateful for any time I’m given with him, because he (and his brother) are my joy.

PS. the oncologist and I discussed having two dogs diagnosed with cancer in less than a year and she helped me rule out environmental causes, so that gave me some peace.

PSS. Jake has NEVER been to the vet, any vet, new or old and not produced meatballs.  He is nothing if not fully committed to the factory.

“Why do I not see you preparing my breakfast? What is up with skipping meals lately?”

 

“We better be heading to a drive-thru, woman!”

 

This is the look of a dog with a prey drive who has just seen a dog with the nerve to walk past our car in the parking lot.  This is why Jake is strapped in.