Author Archives: OhMelvin

The wonky report.

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In yesterday’s post I said that the update on Jake’s mobility didn’t matter since he had cancer.  And that was obviously the rantings of a crazy person. Of course it matters.

Two years ago, when we had his first MRI done, there were a plethora of spinal issues they saw.  No one issue independently could have been causing his troubles at the time but the collection of them all certainly could be making him wonky.

On this MRI, it was very clear what has been causing his issues (over the past two years and his sudden paralysis that started last week).  I won’t give you the neurologist speak, I’ll just give you the Tracey version. On the first MRI, there was an area of concern in his spinal cord.  It appeared to be some scar tissue (we ruled out infection and cancer back then).  On this MRI, that same area was much  more defined and it was clear as to what was going on with Jake.  There are two areas, on each side of his spine that are compressed. This compression creates a situation where spinal fluid does not flow freely or smoothly.  At the time of this most recent MRI, there was a pretty defined area where you could see his spinal cord being ‘pinched’, which would explain his sudden decline last week.  But the good news is that the compression could/should wax and wane.  So he will have good days and new types of bad days (days with no use of his hind legs) and eventually, as we already knew, he will go paralyzed. The condition is not painful (yay!) and it’s not something we could have avoided, he was born to be wonky.

The great news, yes there is GREAT news, is that the little dude is moving his hind legs again!  He is slowly getting back to upright and you can just see the joy in his face!

Jake is the living version of the little engine that could!  Today, if you are struggling with something, pull a a Jake and kick that issue in the ass (unless it is your boss, or your child, or let’s go with any living creature – do not kick them in the ass)!

Here are some photos from our appointment…

We do not travel light.  Stroller in the back, co-pilot in the middle.IMG_7283

 

Jake in an elevator! 

 

The welcome sign, that I smudged with Jake’s diaper bag. 

 

Jake in the waiting room, wondering why I ‘forgot’ to feed him. 

 

And finally, Jake learning to eat sitting down!  Wooohooooo!!! 

Why?

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You know when you read about those couples who when one of the spouses dies, the other’s health starts fading and relatively soon after, the other dies.  And often we say they died of heartache, even though there are medical issues to point to. Maybe the heartache weakened their immune system?

I think Melvin and Jake may be trying to be one of those couples. In less than a year, Jake lost Melvin, lost sight in one eye, has had to fight off a MRSA infection and went suddenly paralyzed in his back side. I wish this story ended there but sadly, it does not.

I’m heartbroken to share with you…Jake has cancer.

Just typing that, I can’t breathe. I also can’t stop crying.

The cancer isn’t even the cause of his paralysis, they happened to find it accidentally when looking at his mobility issues (which we figured out, but who cares because he has cancer on top of it all).

While looking at the MRI they happened to see a mass on his kidney and cancer throughout the muscle/soft tissue of one of his hind legs.  Since those two areas are not really in the scope of neurology, we had a specialist take a look. They called me on Saturday. It was the worst Valentine’s Day gift ever.

It hasn’t even been a year since Melvin’s diagnosis. It’s so easy to ask, WHY is this happening to him. To us.  But instead, I’m trying to focus on a different why.  Why Jake ended up here.  And I know the answer to that one. Jake needed to find his joy, and he was never going to find it in his first home. He waited patiently with them for five years and then it was time, to hunt down his real family. He found his forever here with us. He came for love, he came so that life could show him that he has someone. He came for patience. He came for unconditional support and even-if-you-poop-every-night-at-4am love. When anything strikes him down, he looks to me, with one eye, and I take care of him. And he came because Melvin is his soul mate, his other half. Melvin made him feel safe and gave him calm and gave him a partner in life and love. Together, we completed Jake.

But there is a flip side.  Jake completed us too. He made us a little family.  He is my laughter, he is the cause of 88% of my smiles. Jake and I have gotten each other through these past months without Melvin. I lean on him, as much as he leans on me. Both Jake and Melvin are my purpose.

Jake came here so I could see him through all his health issues, including cancer. As part of that, my plan is for Jake to live well into his teens.

We have to see an oncologist for prognosis, right now we have an appointment for Thursday morning (I’m calling around trying to find a sooner appt.) In my conversation with the neurologist, he shared concerns of metastasis in areas we didn’t see on the spinal MRI.

Yet another moment all the air went away, but we don’t know what we don’t know.

We will keep you posted. I promise you he will have everything he needs. Love will prevail.

Crash course.

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The good thing about Jake’s gradual decline over the past two years has been that as new issues pop up, I have time to assess them and come up with a solution.  Like the diapers, and the cloth diaper inserts we moved to (so as not to fill up all the landfills).  Or how to keep him safe(r) in the car or solutions for nighttime meatball production.  While he has gradually declined, I have been able to gradually solve our problems.

Him going fully paralyzed overnight has not been easy.  Mostly to watch.  Gradual decline is not something you measure or really see, you coast along with it. But with him losing his leg use overnight, I have had avoid ‘poor Jake’ and instead step up my game to make his life as easy as possible.

  • I have to carry him a lot more.  Which means I need to come up with solutions for how he can do some things (like go down steps, especially to the outside) on his own.  I’m looking into having some ramps made for him so he can remain independent.
  • Wonky-but-still-upright Jake needs rugs and lily pads and yoga mats.  Dragging Jake needs hardwood floors.  While I can pull up all the rugs, Jake is used to targeting them so he is not getting that he needs to drag on non-carpeted areas.  Why can’t he understand the words I’m speaking?! I’m flailing my arms around like air traffic control and he just stares at me, laughing in his soul.
  • Dragging Jake’s diapers come off.  Really easily.  Like within a minute.  I ordered a drag bag to hopefully help with this.
  • He has been reluctant to eat while sitting down.  I have a raised feeder for him so that is not the issue.  So far, I have to hold him up while he eats.  I am trying to, once he is heavily invested in eating dinner, lower him down so he realizes he can eat while sitting.  I may also look for something to support his underside (a pillow of some sort) while he eats.
  • When meatball production starts, I need to be there to hold him upright.  Seriously, I need to be there or clean-up will rob me of my sanity.  I ordered  a couple harnesses so I can remain standing while assisting him to stand. This morning the factory opened at 2am and it took him 25 min to go. We bonded.

But to be honest, if I was going to go into sudden-hind-leg-paralysis with someone, I’m glad it’s Jake.  He is so brave and he tries and works on his new mobility with such intensity.  I just love his perseverance.  I’m proud to be his mom!

We go to the neurologist tomorrow.  We will keep you posted!

“I think if you feed me bacon, my legs will come off strike”.

 

The update on wonkalicious.

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Jake has been normal wonky legs for some time now.  We got the news about his complicated spine two years ago, and ever since we have been on a steady decline.  A slow, steady decline.  Sure, there are good days and not-so-great days but all in all, he has remained mostly upright (in his drunk uncle sort of way).  Two years ago we were at 25% bad, 75% good and lately we’ve been at about 70% very wonky and 30% less wonky.  I’m very scientific.

There have been no blips, no ‘flare-ups’, just steady decline. Until yesterday morning.

Jake went to bed (as normal as he could be) on Monday.  I did find it odd to wake up at 7am and Jake had not pooped during the night, but that happens every now and then.  I did my normal get-up stuff and went to get Jake out of his condo.  He had not gotten out of bed yet, usually he greets me at the gate. When he came to me, it was only on two legs.  I thought it was odd but like I said, Jake is usually at the gate when I get over there so maybe this normal? He had a look in his eye that said otherwise.  After opening the gate it was clear, Jake was only able to drag his hind legs.  He had no control over them at all.

He and I remained pretty F’ing calm. He rocked the dragging and I carried him downstairs and outside, got his diaper on, got him fed (I had to hold him up so he could eat) and then I invaded his butthole got him to poop.

Then I made four calls and three texts to Jake’s village.

The medical contacts agreed, he would not become fully paralyzed overnight.  That part should remain gradual, so something else must be happening. We set up a Friday appointment to see the neuro (they wanted him to come to their far away office yesterday but I just couldn’t put Jake through such a long trip and they agreed that Friday was OK since our second plan was to have our Holistic/therapy vet come see him that afternoon).

Dr. Krisi does electro-acupuncture and laser therapy on Jake every three weeks.  He was due a visit from her on Wed so we just moved it up a day.  By the time she arrived at 3:30, Jake had shown some improvement.  He was still dragging but I could tell he had some control over his legs.  She did the therapy, did an exam and decided we should see our regular vet to rule out other things before we rule in new spinal issues.

Jake went to bed last night and woke up with little leg strength today.  Not a ton but it was good to know that it was at least coming and going.  We had x-rays done that were inconclusive and by the time our vet visit was over, he had no hind leg control again. Also, they could not rule out stroke.

So currently he has no leg strength but after resting up, I’m hoping we see the same improvement that we saw overnight.  Something new is definitely going on and clearly it’s not great.  There is probably a MRI and spinal tap in Jake’s immediate future.  This will be his 2nd MRI and spinal tap, and my third to pay for (Melvin had one too!). I don’t think I would do the MRI if it was just to gauge progression.  I mean Jake’s story on progression is written, he will be paralyzed in the hind legs ONE day.  End of story.  But if he has something new, like an infection or cancer, well that I would want to know.

So I will keep you posted!  He’s in GREAT hands!  Thanks for all the well wishes, we love you!

The grief calendar.

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There are a few milestones coming up on the grief calendar, Melvin’s birthday, the day we found out about the cancer and the one year anniversary of losing him. Those dates are pretty close to each other in proximity.  They are just sitting out there, waiting for me. I’m not sure if I should run towards them with a white flag, or like I’m crossing a finishing line, arms flailing in the air. Or maybe, karate kicking my way over them.  Where is the guide on all of this?

I think the one year anniversary is a ‘you made it’.  I mean, we usually make it, right?  I think it’s a date where you can say, I have officially made it through most of the firsts without my loved one and that the hardest of the grief is behind us. It’s not really a yay or a wow, just a fact. It’s a different trepidation/anticipation than the other firsts (first day without, first week without, first Christmas without). Those are more ‘how will I get through’.  The one year anniversary is more a day to reflect on ‘how I got through’. That day is still a little ways off, and I’m not really sure how I feel about it, or if I feel anything at all about it.

Facebook has been reminding me where we were last year.  Melvin always went to the vet regularly but last year we were going for new things.  Constipation, weight loss, hind leg weakness, him sleeping in a different position (true story, this is what I told the vet the reason for our visit was: “He has been sleeping in a different position”.  When you know your dog, and I knew Melvin, a change like this means something). Oddly enough a year ago, his liver test values were holding, despite the fact that the cancer had started and large tumors were growing in his liver.  His values didn’t tank until late February.  That is how sneaky Hemangiosarcoma is.  We didn’t know yet (a year ago) about the cancer, but in looking back at the posts there were some signs something was coming.  I have no regrets about not knowing sooner, I am only human, I found out when I was supposed to find out.

But Facebook has been reminding me of something else.  Last year at this time, I posted about Jake ‘stalking’ Melvin (more than usual).  The reality was, Jake knew it was coming. He was so obsessed with Melvin’s smell that when his scent changed with the cancer, Jake became more tied to Melvin than ever.  I wonder what that was like for Jake.  To smell something new.  To sense it wasn’t good.  I bet he tried to burn a whole into my brain with his goggly eyes to tell me!  As I re-read those posts, I’m thankful for Jake knowing. I imagine the months leading up to my finding out, there was a special bond between them. Each knowing that they had the other.

It’s easy to look back with 20/20 hindsight and say ‘I should have done this, I should have done that, I should have known’. But that is not going to get anyone anywhere good.  Instead, I look back and say ‘THANK YOU FOR WHAT WE HAD’.  I had two dog-kids that were there for each other, what more could a mother ask for?!

Here are two post from last year at this time when I joked (lovingly!) about Jake being Melvin’s stalker!

Post 1

Post2

And my newest necklace which I LOVE!!!

Back outside.

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The snow finally melted and Jake has been back in the yard for several days now.  There are a couple challenges to that much snow and Jake.

  1. The snow was too high for Jake to get into.  It was more like a wall.
  2. Jake hates snow so even if it was low enough, he is not romping through it.
  3. Our street was not on the ‘get plowed regularly’ schedule so we had one lane and super narrow sidewalk space.  It was either not safe or not possible to get his stroller out.

But now we have more grass than snow and Jake is loving his outdoor freedom again. Apparently, during the storm, Jake got super powers.  The snow has given way to new scents, which Jake breathes in with his whole body.  So much so that a few times he has been sniffing a spot, he is smelling so hard that his hind legs leave the ground and he is in a modified hand stand.  TRUE STORY!  The first few times I was shocked and didn’t have my phone. Ever since I started taking my phone out to record it, he refuses to do it.

I’m not sure what his super hero name should be. Handstand man?  Is that a powerful name?

I am starting to think he gathers his powers from the fireplace.  That would explain why he stares intently at it whether its on or off. 

“Jake, I am your father. Go do a handstand”. 

Weaning off Prozac.

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The reason Jake went on Prozac was that after Melvin died, his days were harder for him to manage.  In fact, some things he couldn’t manage at all. The howl-crying at the door I had mentioned, but he also went back to having severe separation anxiety when I’d leave. It was worse than when he first came to live here because after Melvin died, he was truly alone in the house. I know how to work him through the SA but once we started the Prozac, the remaining SA went away, even though it wasn’t a goal for taking it.

So in essence, I forgot about a couple things that Jake did pre-Prozac.  But have no fear, he has reminded me of all of them.  At once.

During the snow storm, when I’d go outside to shovel, I’d hear Jake.  It was a noise I recognized, he was honking, like a duck because I’d left him alone.  He had not done this for several months, why was he doing it all of a sudden. (In Blizzards, your brain slows down, true story.).

He also suddenly could not be without me, but not in a cute, cuddly way.  If I got up to go to the loo, he would frantically scramble to get up and run to find me in a ‘HOLY CRAP WHERE DID SHE GO I’M ALL ALONE AND MAY DIE’ way.  I’ve had a velcro dog.  Velcro dogs follow you calmly to the loo.  Jake ‘ran’ and plowed into walls desperate to locate me. Why in the world was he doing this? (my brain, still in slow-mo).

Then, as I was cooking in the kitchen and Jake was sitting in the dining room, full view of me, he started barking at me.  The ONLY time he does this is if a Kong rolls under furniture.  I looked, no Kongs.  He kept doing it.  Sitting. Barking. Then he did the same when I was watching TV, sit and bark.  And when I was in the shower. Sit and bark.  So much sitting and barry-white-voice-barking.

And then it hit me, the Prozac was helping with anxiety we didn’t even know he had. It was beyond grief.  I had said all along that Melvin is a dog that needed people.  Jake is a dog that needs another dog.  If only he knew this. A sibling dog would stay with you when I leave. A sibling dog would stay with you when I GO TO THE BATHROOM!

So… I’m back in planning mode.  We are going to see the behaviorist for his anxiety.  Never, ever, is life dull!

We survived!

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I had planned to blog some during the blizzard because I thought I would have tons of free time.  Not the case!  Between shoveling, snow blowing, WASHING DIAPERS and cooking, I also ended up having some house guests whose parents got snowed out of town so we had some dinners and movie nights with them and their Bop (grandmother).

Jake loved every minute of it!  Jake also does not know that it snowed. When you open the door to the outside and it’s 36 inches high (official count!) with snow, Jake laughs at you.  He rolls over laughing and points to you as if to say ‘you are sooooooo funny, hahahahhahahahahah’! Then he goes back inside and pees in his diaper.

We got a lot of snow. And we will have a lot of snow for some time.  And I love it!

Hope you all had a great weekend, stay tuned for how coming off of Prozac did work against us this weekend.

Storm Prep.

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We have food. We have adult beverages.  We have a snowblower and a generator.  I am a planner.  We were good to go on Tuesday.

Melvin loved the snow.  LOVED.  He would bounce and bound through it and eat it up! There were a few storms that I had to dig a path for him, but he worked really hard at forging forward in it no matter what the height of the drift. Some of our favorite walks were at night after a snow when the streets were empty and all was quiet and white!

Jake is the polar opposite. See what I did there with ‘polar’?  If I open the back door for potty and Jake hears dew forming on the grass during Spring, he won’t go out.  He has some internal dampness gauge and if it senses moisture, he about faces and ‘runs’ and hides.

If you see Jake in any snow photos, it’s because I picked him up inside and literally set him into the snow.  There is no leading him with food, no dragging.  He is not falling for it.  Being tossed is the only chance of his body making contact with snow.

Thus, the biggest preparation for Jake and the blizzard is to be sure his diapers and his cloth diaper inserts are clean. Check!

It is 12:50 in Northern Virginia and the snow has started! Stay tuned for Jake versus the elements!

Some past snow photos…

Tossed into it! (safely!) 

He may have been part St. Bernard. 

Back in the day when Jake could go on walks and I was big on them wearing matching jackets and snoods! 

Lily pads.

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Jake and hardwood floors no longer jive.  Getting the house carpeted is not happening (dude leaks pee 24/7 and even the best diapers in the world fail every now and then and it’s easier to replace area rugs).  So my solution, lily pads.

I mean he eats frogs. Why not be one.

The lily pads help him maneuver at a more upright position.  He may knuckle, his legs may not be at all steady, but he can still stand for a bit on the pads and that helps lesson his frustration and muscle strain.

So if you come to our home (and you are always welcome) you should know that the random floor carpets and yoga mats are supposed to be there. Although many ask ‘did you mean to drop this yoga mat right here, in the foyer?’.  This has been a hard transition for the interior decorator that lives inside my soul.  Love is better than decorating. (I chant that daily).

Jake hops from surface to surface, just like in the game Frogger.  And sometimes, when on the small patch of hardwood, or if he veers off course because he sees food in the kitchen, it is truly as if a car runs him over.  SPLAT! (the good news is that these patches are helping him learn to drag).

Why do you keep calling me a yogi? I’m a frog-dog. 

 

The path from foyer to fireplace.

 

The trip to the mudroom (behind the couch option).

 

The trip to the mudroom – shortcut option. 

 

We have the same set-up upstairs for my little frogger. 

 

Pro(zac) and Cons.

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Jake suffered grief after Melvin died.  In addition to opting for solitary existence, he would sit at the door that Melvin was taken out of, and howl-cry.  I did everything I could to help him, but like me, he had to learn to carry his loss.  Our vet recommended Prozac.  I was willing to try anything to help him, and make the crying stop.

We started the Prozac and after a few weeks he was doing better.  I’m not sure if it was all the Prozac or not but it didn’t matter, my boy was headed in the right direction.  He stayed on it and once we started seeing the behaviorist (after he tried to dismember every dog we met), she suggested that Prozac might help him with future meetings (dosage adjustments might be needed).  The theory – that it would lower his desire to kill anxiety when confronted with a dog that was not Melvin. (Melvin was his natural Prozac).

Well in terms of how he did with other dogs, I think we all know how well that went. Craptastic.

So I decided that Jake has learned to carry his grief and that he no longer needs Prozac.  I weaned him off for a few reasons (aside from the grief fading). One, I don’t like to throw medications at something when it’s just not needed.  If he comes off of it and starts to spaz out in a new direction, we can discuss options (medication and training) but right now, my gut says he will be ok.  Two, there are some theories that dogs on Prozac don’t always do better with behavioral issues (like meeting new dogs) because it suppresses their natural ability to react and respond.  (I’m not a medical professional or a behaviorists, that is my dumb’d down version of what I’ve learned).  So in Jake’s case, the Prozac MIGHT have kept him from being able to react differently when presented with other dogs because it made him ‘unaware’ of other natural responses he could have, like calming the bleep down.

Since coming off the Prozac, his energy level has doubled as has his perceived idea of how strong he is.  (Not sure either of these will help with adding a dog to the family!). He now thinks he can leap onto the couch.  Which he cannot.  I may need Prozac to deal with a Jakie that ‘leaps’ head first into objects he thinks he can hurdle (the momma helps him fly whenever she is close by!).  But if my little wonky chicken thinks he can fly now, coming off Prozac was the right thing to do.

This is a photo hanging in my closet. I think Jake has adopted this sentiment.

 

 

 

A pocket full of memories.

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Winter has finally arrived here!  I love winter.  For the first time since last year, I got winter coats out. Today, I was out and about and put my hands into my first-worn-coat pockets.  My walk came to a stop and joy washed over me. One pocket was full of Melvin’s hypoallergenic treats.  In the other pocket were two rolls of poop bags.

Insert beautiful sigh and smile here. These are the moments when I know he’s here.

I have rounded a corner with my grief.  I don’t know when it happened.  I had anticipated Christmas being hard, the same way I anticipate the one year anniversary of his death being difficult. But since the new year, the grief has lessened its gravitational pull on me. Melvin simplified my life. His existence was almost spiritual to me.  It calmed me.  It helped me to breathe deeply.  He grounded me. And over the past few weeks, as my grief has shifted, I’ve felt a return to that simplicity.  I feel Melvin guiding me, back to my happy place.

I still cry now and then, i don’t think that will ever change. I proudly own my grief. I lost something incredibly important to me.  Never apologize for learning to live after great loss. But the tears do not sting the way they used to.  And 100% of the time, they are wiped away by a memory that makes me laugh. Healing has a way of silently taking over.

Keep chasing joy.

I’ve been going through my tens of thousands photos and videos. I have avoided Melvin visuals for long enough now. I go through them slowly, there is no need to binge watch memories, they deserve a slow waltz.  The timing must be right because I’m loving every moment of the dance down memory lane. It’s not just joyful to see Melvin, it’s a reminder that all those bits and pieces make up the whole of my life and I’m really honored I get to keep going on this journey for, with and because of Melvin.

Say it with me — love lives on!

Lessons.

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I was recently interviewed by Lessons From a Paralyzed Dog.  It’s funny, when they asked me if they could interview me my first thought was ‘but why?’.  Jake has been ‘wonky’ for a few years now.  In fact, Facebook just reminded me last week that it’s been exactly two years now. I slowly got to become an ‘expert’ on some things, so to be honest, I don’t really think of myself as able to add too much content.  But I guess I have learned a thing or fifty over the past few years!

When I was being interviewed, the questions made me smile.  Why did you start the blog? Melvin’s face popped into my head, three-year-old Melvin who had blood-red skin, very little hair and more energy than a power plant.  The blog started off to chronicle life with the world’s most allergic dog.  To share our crazy antics and our trials and failures and successes. To laugh at our crazy life and to let those who might read our little blog know, health issues are what you make of them.

Melvin provided constant content!  Allergies, infections, tail injury and amputation.  Behavioral challenges, separation anxiety, more allergies, so many more allergies. Colitis, countless ER visits, ear infections, giardia, mange, diarrhea, constipation and cancer. And loss. Oh, Melvin, indeed!

Please stop including my name and diarrhea in the same sentence. 

Jake has also never failed me in the content space.  From his punk start in the family to the decline of his mobility, from his eyes to his meatballs, dude continues to teach me so much about perseverance.

The days of him being diaper-less are long gone. 

A few things came up during the interview. Things that have stayed true to who I am and to what my life with the dogs has been about.

  • When something comes up, seek a solution.  Otherwise, it’s going to become a problem and problems add up and can overwhelm life.
  • There is laughter and joy, even in the worst moments.
  • This is life.  This is our life.  It’s gorgeous and complicated and I wouldn’t change a single thing.

We were excited to be featured and to giveaway one of our favorite solutions, a Sirius Republic Belly Band.  And to celebrate his new-found fame, Jake did something extraordinary.  Something he has not done in well over a year.  Something that made this dog mom so proud and so happy and so shocked.  He pooped in the yard! It was so incredibly shocking that I didn’t even know what to do and I had no idea where the poop bags were since I have not needed them since Melvin was here! I even left the tied-up-bag outside as a reminder that MIRACLES HAPPEN! That’s right, sometimes crap can be a miracle!

Celebrate everything!  Life is too sweet not too!

Jake’s reverse evolution.

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Benjamin Button’s Jake’s legs continue to fail him. There are good days, but the balance between good and bad has shifted more to bad.  This household moves forward, so his bad legs days are now, normal legs days.

I’m trying to teach him to drag his legs. His first inclination when his legs don’t work is to sit and stare at me.  I mean, I get it, I’m lovely. Stare away!  But we probably need a better plan than that. So I try to entice him with food to come over to me, using whatever means necessary.  My next effort might be to try him in a drag bag, to get him more used to his legs dragging behind him.

Um, help. 

We are having some changes elsewhere in his life also.  We went from having a meatball maker to the plant equipment going on strike.  He’s moved from going every day to every three days and it’s likely due to his bottom parts losing their production power. He’s not constipated, more like, his body just forgot it has to work. Luckily, there is a group on the Internet for everyone.  Including parents of paralyzed (in any capacity) animals. So I asked this group ‘how can I make Jake poop (in a not-constipated-way)’ (oh the glamour in our every day)?  And you know what, it’s one of their most popular questions, and that made it feel completely normal and it empowered me and I breathed relief. I won’t share the details (unless you need the same advice) but I will say that I proved even further that there isn’t anything I won’t do for the boys!

Don’t worry woman, I won’t have to poop for three days so you can sleep in! 

 

 

 

Merry, merry. Happy, happy. Joy, joy.

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I have always said that on Christmas, what is under the tree, is never as remarkable as who is on the couch.  The people and dogs on the couch, they are my gifts.

Our Christmas was delightful, although the couch was a lot empty without Melvin. I’ve been trudging through the holiday season trying to think of anything but him. I’m in that odd place that is…grey? safe? Where I can handle the reality but I keep memories at arms reach. I know I can’t keep the two separate forever. I’m working on bridging that gap, but it’s hard to force myself to sit down to look at photos and videos. I can be very stubborn. I got a Christmas gift that is a reminder to keep working on that. My SIL (sister-in-love) got two of my core beliefs made into prints and framed.  The moment I opened them, I knew exactly where they would go. Also, I think it goes without saying that my heart filled with joy and I started crying!

The year is ending, a new one will begin. While I don’t want to stay in any year, we are meant to move forward, this year feels harder to move out of.  It was the worst of all the years (this from someone who almost died twice in 2007), but it’s also the last year that Melvin was here.  And that makes it a spectacular year in so many ways! He was only here for four months of 2015, but his beautiful spirit has filled each and every day with his everlasting presence in my heart. Something I’m so thankful for!

Keep chasing joy.  Love lives on.

So, I shall bid farewell to 2015, knowing that moments of it are now a part of the core of who I am. A year of love and grief and joy and heartache. And I will say hello to 2016, a year that has nothing but opportunity for more happy and love. And I thank YOU, for being a part of all our years, no matter what they bring.

Happy New Year!! We hope that you make some beautiful, soul-rocking memories, that you opt to give before you get, and that you find your joy!

Love, Tracey

Here is Jake’s note:

Send food. Diets are incredibly painful. Seriously, send food, I’m really suffering.

Love, Ja…(he passed out from hunger)

And here is our Christmas card!  I meant to post it earlier than AFTER CHRISTMAS!

 

An update on MRSA Joe

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In cased you missed how Jake got the new nickname MRSA Joe, that post can be found HERE.

The infection is not worse, so that is great!  I think it might even be a tad better. We are using a topical antibiotic to combat the MSRP.

The topical works best if the areas where he has the infection gets shaved (except for his paws, he has the infection there too but we don’t shave his precious feet). The funny part, yes, there is always a funny part in our lives, is that it’s sorta hard to tell the infection parts from his ‘cow spots’.  You see, Jake has some cow spots (this is my highly technical term for them, I have no idea what they are called. Maybe giant, mutant freckles?) they are just normal spots on his skin that he swears make him even more sexy. The infection patches are raised just the tiniest bit and dry but with his coarse hair, it’s hard to be 100% sure when shaving. So when we went back in for a re-shave, a few of those got shaved (accidentally) this time too.

He has about six shaved, infected patches at this point, so move over Bieber, Jake has the coolest cut now.

Here is an infection spot on his side

And here is an example of not being sure! The top, big spot is infection, the lower little spots are his cow gang-markings. 

 

Recent explosions.

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In the past week, four things have happened that I would rather had not.

  1. We came in from a morning bathroom break and I went into the loo (for no fewer than about 30 seconds).  While I was in there, I could hear Jake ‘swimming’ it’s what happens when he can’t catch his footing and he’s fighting to get his legs upright.  This noise is nothing new.  I came out of the loo, looked to left where the noise was coming from to find that Jake (in 30 seconds) had poop’d, fallen backwards into it, scooted around for several feet in it in an effort to get upright, stepped in it and did some ‘swimming’ with his poop covered hind legs.  He managed to spread poop into a 5 foot by 7 foot area, mostly on rug.  HOW? WHY?  It took me over an hour to clean up. He gave new meaning to the term ‘shit storm’.
  2. One night, Jake pee’d through two cloth diaper pads, two maxi pads and a waterproof diaper, thus soaking through two bed covers and into the bed. He alerted me to this problem at 2am.
  3. On a night when a migraine was trying to kill me and I was in extreme pain and very stomach sick, Jake decided to spew his full weight in throw-up all over his bed and condo.  As I was cleaning it up, mind you, I go blind in one eye during migraines and was VERY stomach sick, I ended up throwing up on Jake (because i could not see him).  Low point in our lives folks.  I had to crawl with him into the shower at 3am. With a migraine.  Each of us blind in one eye.  No bueno.
  4. Jake poop’d on my foot. The end.

Try and be more glamorous than us, we dare you!

MRSA Joe.

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Jake has had a skin rash (it’s not really a rash as much as black patches on his skin) on and off for two years.  Usually we take some meds and it clears up but lately the patches have been opting to stick around.  So we got him swabbed to see what was going on, and when they test what it is, they also test what antibiotic will work on it.

I got a call and our vet said ‘I have bad news and more bad news’.  Typical.

Jake has MRSP (it’s the animal form of MRSA, although as I understand it, animals can also get MRSA but MRSP is mostly just transmitted between animals whereas MRSA is transmittable by animal and human.). Just like some humans carry MRSA and other humans get MRSA infections, so to can animals be carriers and others get infected. So he has it, and that is bad news #1. And bad news #2 is that only one antibiotic showed up on the panel to help and it’s a drug that has been known to cause bone marrow cancer in some humans that handle it.

Wait. What?

The vet actually said these words:  ‘Only a small % of people who handle it get bone marrow cancer from it, but Tracey, knowing you and your dogs, you would definitely get it.’  So aside from medicine that might help Jake and that could kill me, we have no treatment options.  There is a cream that we will try (Jake has to have the spots shaved to help it work better).  So he’s going to look extra ‘special’ with his new hair cut, a lame eye, a diaper and a wheelchair. He does nothing halfway!

If anyone else has faced something similar, please reach out and share your experience!  Until then, I have started calling Jake, MRSA Joe. Only because MRSP requires explanation.

Who you calling MRSA Joe? 

 

 

 

Recent happenings.

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I found the poop emoticon stuffie and bought if for Jake (since he loves pooping so much) and I’m a little alarmed at how much he loves it. If I say ‘go get your poop’, he does it.

I like to take photos that capture Jake’s giant neck waddle.  Again, to remind folks, Jake has the same size neck as Melvin had.  Jake is 33 lbs and Melvin was 82 lbs.  Same. Size. Neck.

The sun went away for three days and Jake was so emotionally tormented that I started calling him Debbie Downer. 

This is Jake with Frog (I know, I know, creative naming just comes so naturally to me).  The thing about Frog is… 1. Jake loves Frog more than he loves me. 2. Frog has been with us for 2.5 years, that is proof that Jake has tic-tac teeth.  Sometimes Jake shakes and attacks Frog and other times I feel like I should put on Barry White music for them. 

Jake joined me in the office the other day.  Made my heart happy. 

Jake got an early Christmas gift (the pouf he is laying on) and he pulled the furry blanket down from the couch (that just happens to match) on top of him because he is not a big fan of experiencing first world problems. 

This one stung a little.

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After Melvin died, I tried to think back if there were warning signs.  Not so much to torture myself, but it all happened so fast that I felt signs must have been there.  Melvin had a lot go wrong health wise, especially in his last six months, but he always had odd things going on. I sort of knew in my heart when it started and I recalled that I had blogged about it.  I didn’t go back and look for the post, knowing it was there was enough and to be honest, I knew I couldn’t handle it at the time.

Melvin had started moaning when he shifted positions laying down.  Most ‘older’ creatures do this when they adjust during sleep or when falling asleep and finding a good position.  But my gut told me it was more.  He had also been sleeping in a new position that struck me as odd because it didn’t seem like his usual ‘get as comfortable as possible when sleeping’ approach.  When I told the vet that he had been sleeping in a new position they said ‘but he’s sleeping, right?’.  Yes. But this new position means something, I just know it.

Mom alway knows.

They went with an arthritis in his knees diagnosis that day.  Which was also, probably true. In hindsight, I know the cancer had by started by then, I know that his moaning was the tumor in his liver.  I know the new sleeping position was to accommodate that tumor.  And I now know that the ultrasound we did at that point, was not as comprehensive as it would have been at a specialist.  I also know, that even if I had known back then, he’d still be gone.  His cancer was terminal from the moment it started.

I have been using Facebook’s ‘on this day’ to slowly reconnect with old blog post and for the most part, I love this feature.  I get to be reminded of past posts and moments with the boys. Facebook reminded me this weekend of that post from a year ago, when I had a gut feeling Melvin had cancer. I cried a little when I read it. Maybe it was that I had joked some about it in the post but probably because I recall how I felt, and I did feel wholeheartedly that something was wrong.  Rereading that post started off as a rip in my heart but then it ended in odd joy.  Because if there is one thing in life I knew, it was my Melvin. My connection to him was pure and true. I still stand so proud of that.

I’m thankful we didn’t ‘know’ earlier.  It happened as it was supposed to and I have no regrets.

#loveliveson

The post from a year ago, is HERE.

And here is Jake and his googly eyes,  being as adorable as ever…