Here is the truth. Seeing Oh Melvin regularly has made me sad. The cause for all the ‘ohs’, I miss them. I was not expecting Oh Melvin to remind me of what I can no longer hold. But when I went to change the name of the blog last weekend, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t will my hands to delete the title or add a new one! It’s still a string that still connects me and Jake to him. And us three to you all. And, since launching Melvin’s Project Joy this week, Oh Melvin has felt more right than it has in a few months. It’s funny how spreading some joy can heal you.
I had every intention of changing it to ‘…into my life you came’.
I do think it will eventually change. If a new dog miraculously wins Jake over in the short-term, I’ll figure out a way to jam his (or her) name into this sandwich.
I did update a few things! The tagline and the menus, and content within the menus. So there was forward movement! We need to claim any and all baby steps that we can!
I’ll leave you with this photo of Jake from this weekend. Melvin used to take breaks from Jake, in the closet with the door slightly closed. Jake would eventually find him. For the record, this photo does not make sad. I’m pretty sure Jake can still see Melvin in there. He sat there for over ten minutes, it was less about looking and more about finding. In fact the more progress Jake makes, I think Melvin is guiding him. And that makes me happy.
I am squealing with delight to launch this!!! It feels like a big hug with Melvin.
Each month, we will do a giveaway that celebrates the unique nature of our furry friends. There will be monthly categories, so if you have a dog that falls into that one, you can nominate them to win. If your dog does not fit into this month’s category, do not fret, we have a pretty all-encompassing list for the entire year – like if your dog is a cat – we eventually got you covered!
When Jen (at Sirius Republic) and I started talking about how these monthly giveaways would work, we immediately agreed on the what the first month category would be.
Anxiety dogs.
Both of our lives have been forever changed by our anxiety dogs (Melvin & Jake for me, Chilly for her). We have compared stories of desensitization, DAP diffuser and anxiety supplements and drugs. We have shared updates on how we have missed out on events, in order to help our dogs get through. Countless successes and many failures, some frustration and many adult beverages later, that is how being a (pet) parent goes! So in honor of our anxious-love-monkeys, we kick off month one of Melvin’s Project Joy!
Here is how it works…
This goes beyond just a giveaway (but yes, there is of course some loot!). Our goal is to remind each other that we are all in this crazy life together. That through these giveaways, we can all bring empathy into play. As you share stories of your anxiety dogs, read the stories of others. You may nod, or have ideas of how to help. You can message others and share ideas and stories. Friendships will form. Support can be shared. Joy will be spread!
Share you anxiety dog (your dog’s name, a photo. and the story of anxiety issues you and your dog face) on either our Facebook page containing this post, on Sirius Republic’s Facebook page when they share this post. If you are not of the Facebook world, you can email your info to ohmelvinyojake@gmail.com. You can also post the info below in the comments, although you probably can’t share a photo on here (and that’s ok). No matter how you submit your info, you will be entered to win.
READ ALONG AS OTHERS POST. DON’T FORGET TO REACH OUT.
We will pick one female and one male winner at the end of July!
When I started the blog, I named it Oh Melvin because I said those two words SEVERAL times a day. In the beginning it was a frustrated Oh Melvin what have you done and at the end, it was a Oh Melvin, I love you bud. I gave no thought to how long I would blog or if the blog would outlive Melvin. Neither of those things felt like a concern to me at the time.
I no longer say “Oh Melvin” out loud anymore. In fact, I have not said those words since the moment we said goodbye. When I pull up the blog each day, I wonder about two things…
Does oh Melvin, yo Jake feel right?
How in the world will I ever add other dog names to that moniker?
To start, the URL will always be ohmelvin.com. I bought ohmelvin.com and I’m keeping it. Forever. That is always how you will get here. That URL is the soul of this blog. It is what brought us all together. Hopefully that relieves some concern.
The title of the blog probably needs to evolve though. Life has changed for us and the blog should reflect some of that shift.
I’ve been toying with two options.
The first is from a line in a song that I sang to Melvin every night, a song that started long before there was ever a blog: Oh Melvin, into my life you came. In this option I would go with: “…into my life you came. The story of Melvin & Jake“. This would then allow for dogs who follow, to be represented (I’d just keep adding names).
The other option I am considering is: “Love lives on. The story of Melvin & Jake.“. If you follow us on Instagram, you know that #loveliveson is a hashtag I have been using for the last three months. And it’s easy to add names on.
For both options, the menu heading that says “About Melvin (and Jake)’ would change to a different heading for each dog. Oh Melvin would include the background of Melvin. Yo Jake would be about the wonky-legged-googly-eyed-dude. I could then add a menu button for any other dogs that find their way to us. So there would still be Oh Melvin and Yo Jake visually.
So what is your opinion? Do you like 1 or 2? Do you dislike either? Do you have other ideas? Do you want it to stay Oh Melvin, Yo Jake (and if so, how do I add names to that?). Could I ask anymore questions in this paragraph?
And just a FYI, when asked, Jake suggested the blog be called: Just Jake.
Melvin died three months ago. I still can’t type it without feeling some heaviness creep into my chest.
I’ve been going to therapy/grief counseling because I still have a hard time at night. I feel a lot of anxiety and I don’t sleep all that great anymore. We think a lot of that has to do with how terrified I was every night that he was here, after I learned of the cancer. In the same moment I was so grateful that we’d had one more day I was also so utterly terrified that he would die during the night or the next day. I was constantly haunted by our prognosis: he could die at anytime. Nighttime was when I’d fall apart. It was the worst fear and panic I’ve ever known. So it makes sense, I have to make some peace with the night hours now. The good news is, it’s getting better. For sure.
Everyone keeps saying, it’s ok to be mad. I know about the stages of grief, I’m not sure that everyone goes through each one. But I can’t (or maybe it’s that I won’t?) let myself be angry. Here’s why. In the seven years I had Melvin, he never displayed an ounce of anger. He got a lot of crappy health issues thrown at him yet that dog even wagged his nubbin one hour after having to have his tail amputated. For me, being angry that he’s gone or that cancer found us, feels untrue to who he was to me. He was my bright light and in grieving him, I am trying to honor that. I’m trying live by his example. Trust me, it’s not always easy. Cancer has taken too much, of that we are all certain. But for us, his cancer was brief and he suffered very little. I’m grateful for that.
The grief has softened, a lot. I keep it together when I talk about him now. I have been able to watch a few videos of him and remain upright (HUGE)! And when tears come, I’m thankful for the love that brought them. Jake is doing much better also. He did well being left alone with the dog sitter for a week. He’s doing great with his training. His separation anxiety has significantly improved. I can see his overall anxiety lessening, sometimes his new calm reminds me of Melvin. Jake’s Jedi master taught him well.
In losing Melvin I have realized that the best way to honor someone’s memory, is to take on some of the goodness they brought to the world. It’s how love lives on. If they brought kindness, keep kindness going. If they brought laughter, carry the funny forward. If they made you feel strong, lift someone else up. I promise you, it helps. For us, Melvin brought joy and peace. And I will give both back, every day I’m alive.
And since we are a forward moving bunch, in my next post I’ll share with you my thoughts on changing the name of the blog.
I left for the beach on July 2nd. The day before, I went and stocked up on Jake’s food. Stella & Chewy freeze-dried raw. I buy a variety (duck, chicken, beef and venison) and rotate after we finish each bag.
On July 3rd, I got an text that the FDA issued a recall on Stella & Chewy freeze-dried chicken. The noise that came out of me while reading that was frightening. I immediately called the dog sitter to check each bag (chicken and non-chicken) to see if we had any of the lot numbered bags. We did. And Jake was currently eating from it.
I felt sick with worry. Since it was already the holiday weekend, I called The Life Center (our ER vet) to ask them what to look for. They said ‘pretty much anything out of the ordinary could be cause for concern’. Um, my panic level just hit defcon 5000. As mentioned, our dog sitter was new. Jake’s entire existence is out of the ordinary for her. How would she ever know what is normal and what could be Listeria. I explained (in a voice that poetically, only dogs could hear) the situation and that I would need specific things to look for. They listed out nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, stumbling (oh great, this one was not going to be easy), confusion (uh, that is Jake’s middle name).
I spoke to Tayler and we decided if anything gave her concern, she would just take Jake to TLC. I took slight comfort in the fact that Jake is pretty iron stomached. Not that he can defend himself against Listeria but he has eaten a lot of things that should have made him sick and never did (rocks, plumbers putty, frogs, birds, bunnies). When Monday rolled around, I called our normal vet. Symptoms can show up 7-70 days after exposure.
What’s a few more months of worry?!
Unless attempts at bringing sexy back are a symptom, so far he’s doing OK!
I’m back from a glorious week with my family! It was sunshine, dance parties and love.
When I was planning for this vacation I knew we were facing two firsts. I’d be leaving Jake (without Melvin here for him) for the first time and we’d have a new dog sitter. Our previous dog sitter, Vasha (who we love to the moon and back) transitioned to a corporate job so she is not dog sitting much these days. It almost felt appropriate that her last time watching the boys was when Melvin was here. She started with Melvin and ended with Melvin. Some chapters are like that.
This vacation, our dog sitter was Tayler, the daughter of regular midday walker. She is AMAZING! I got texts throughout the week, she didn’t judge me when I wanted to FaceTime Jake and she left me a detailed write-up of every single day so that upon my return, I could re-live Jake’s week. Jake’s week, as per usual, had a lot of meatball making and Little Jake escape-from-the-diaper-events. (This is life with Jake. Luckily, Tayler has a diaper dog at home so she was more than capable of handling Jake, Little Jake and the Meatball Factory).
Despite all the pee and poop, I was still left with this note…
While on vacation my five-year-old-niece asked about Melvin (she was confused when I said the dog watcher was only watching Jake). I explained to her that Melvin had been called to heaven to be an angel (to which her response was: “so he’s dead?” — I love this part about kids, they cut through the sugar-coating and just state the facts!). But during my conversations with her, I was touched that she even remembered Melvin and that she could recall stories of him and even share with me what she thought he was doing in Heaven (“stealing food from kid’s hands” — spot on!).
Tune in for the next post when I share a food recall that occurred while I was on vacation and the panic that momma bear went through from afar! It wasn’t pretty.
Yo, it’s Jake. The mother up and left me this week. I mean we ascertained (yes I know what that means) that I have abandonment issues and anxiety over losing my brother and then she thought, hey, I have a terrible idea, and she up and left for the beach for a week.
What the what?
Anyway, I guess I’ll forgive her since she left me in the care of a really cool chick. This chick smells a lot like my midday walker, D-money. Apparently, my servant dog-sitter this week is D-money’s daughter! That whole family must be hard-core addicted to Jake love and kisses cause at one point this week, I had a harem! Here I am with D-money and my two other girlfriends her two daughters.
Here is a recap of my most momentous ‘mom’s-away-lets-partay-week’.
I showed my sitter my creeper moves. She was not detoured. I love her.
I buried a bone.
I lunged.
I hunted a duck. In my monkey diaper.
I looked behind me.
And I took some private time. I mean Jake can’t entertain 24/7. This ain’t vegas.
In between getting Melvin’s Project Joy up and running, I have not forgotten my other project, Jake. He and I saw a behaviorist Tuesday. She was amazing. I had filled out a ten page questionnaire on-line and she read every single word. There is something about people who prepare…I love them. We talked about a lot of things. A lot. When she asked me to sum up my goals I said, there is at least one, hopefully two.
I want to give Jake the best life he can have. I want to understand him and what he’s going through and who he is post-Melvin so that I can adjust our life and champion what it is he needs.
If being an only dog isn’t part of #1, I would like to figure out how to add a dog to Jake’s life. In the past, Jake has always been added to the mix. Now he’s the mix.
It’s interesting the things you uncover when you have the right person walking you through Jake’s life. As for his prey drive, it’s strong and there is very little that can be done about it. She told me that there are two things the behaviorist community still has not solved – prey drive and territorial issues. Although I wish there was a solution, it’s always better to know what you’re facing. Reality is what reality is. Jake will always be a hunter.
But the good news is, that doesn’t necessarily mean he has to be an only dog. She had a lot of great insights into Jake, and his life with Melvin. In short, Melvin was Jake’s prozac. Melvin provided Jake with safety and direction. (That makes me love and miss Melvin even more). Jake was fine with so many things when Melvin was here and has anxiety with so many of them now that Melvin is gone.
We talked about the many reasons why Jake lunged violently at may not have liked the dogs I have introduced him to, especially once they entered our house. We talked about how a little dog who gets attacked by a big dog or a brown dog might always have fear of big or brown dogs. How a dog’s visual (size, color and energy) can be a good thing for one dog and a wrong thing for another dog. How just the visual can make or break what is to come next. We talked a lot about the dogs in Jake’s past. Then we talked specifics about the dogs I had introduced him to recently.
In my dog search, the dog that is right for me does not look like Melvin. As part of my search, the dog that is right for Jake is similar to Melvin in that they are not into rough play, they are tolerant and easy going and they can be a good lead for Jake. My guess is also an older dog would work best (for both of us).
She agreed with all but one thing. In looking back at Jake’s life, the only constant, has been a yellow lab. A big, yellow, soft dog. A yellow lab in his first life, a yellow lab in his foster life and then in his soulmate, Melvin. While she couldn’t guarantee it, her guess was that Jake needs to see Melvin (literally) in the next dog. A dog that looks similar to his greatest love (and loss). The exact visual that I have been avoiding.
She pointed out, that is all Jake has ever known. He is not a dog park dog, he does not go to doggy daycare. He has known, big, yellow dogs. The same way that little dog who gets attacked by a big dog runs from big dogs. Jake seeks out type of dog that has brought him companionship and joy.
It’s amazes me (and it breaks my heart a little) how two creatures who love the same thing so much, could need such different things moving forward. Is it out of the question for me to love a big, yellow dog again. No way. But it feels a little impossible at the moment. And that is ok, because we have some Jake homework anyway.
We are going to work on finding some dogs (that already have homes) that fit Jake’s visual comfort zone and work on getting him used to those dogs on walks and then in our backyard. Light colored, soft dog visitors. Desensitize him (and me) a bit. Get his anxiety to a better, more manageable place with dogs who can come and then leave. And in doing so, one day, we will work with a rescue group that will work with us in doing the same thing with a dog that could work for our family.
I got Melvin seven years ago. The day joy leaped into my life. I was going through his folder a few months ago and I had come across a few of the cards we got when Melvin joined the family. I set them aside to use on his gotcha day post this year. Of course at the time, I was under the impression that he’d be here. They mean so much more to me now and they take me back to the fate filled day that Melvin became mine.
Melvin lives on in so many things. My heart, Jake’s perseverance and our calling to help others. And now, through Melvin’s Project Joy.
We will be using Melvin’s trust fund to pay joy forward. The focus will mostly be on dogs, of the rescue variety, but we have open eyes for all animals who need us.
Our first partnership was established while Melvin was sill with me. I reached out to Jen at Sirius Republic and told her I’d like to spread joy using her products and she was in before I even said ‘hello’. (WE LOVE HER!). So over the course of the next year, Sirius Republic and Oh Melvin will have monthly giveaways where you nominate your dude or dudette and we’ll pick two winners each month (a girl and a boy, we are nothing if not equal opportunity givers). There will be categories, we think you’ll enjoy them. It’s not only to give stuff away, it’s to bring folks together. Like one month, you will nominate your allergy-hot-mess-of-an-itchy-dog, and through the various nominations, you will find others who face the same challenges you do. Friendships can form, support can be shared. Joy can be spread. We are all in this crazy world together.
I am also working with local rescue groups to help pay adoption fees for some dogs who take longer to find homes and for foster dogs who need some medical care so they can be as healthy as possible when they move into their forever. By pre-paying some of those things, the rescue groups can worry less, and focus more on finding the right homes. Joy heals.
Through this project, Melvin lives on. He and I will continue to spread joy. And that joy will in turn spread joy. And that makes me happy. Jake likes me so much more when I’m happy.
Stay tuned to both Oh Melvin’s and Sirius Republic’s Facebook page for the first giveaway (sometime in July, we have a few other giveaways to do first)! And thank you to all who have helped in this endeavor… Jen at Sirius Republic, Grace, our awesome graphic designer, my friends and family, and especially my parents for their generous donation to Melvin’s fund after he passed away. When they asked me what they could do to help, I said ‘help me help dogs in need’ and they said ‘no problem’.
#loveliveson
Also, if you need an awesome freelance designer, reach out to Grace (you can find her here). She’s a delight to work with and so talented!
I am terrified to fly. I saw the plane hit the Pentagon and from that moment on, flying has become something that I don’t do well. It has gotten better over the years but it’s something that I know will always be a challenge for me.
It getting better is due in part to a man, that I (somewhat) accused of having a shoe bomb on a plane. I mean you can only go up after an incident like that.
It was after the (real) shoe bomber incident. I was on a flight and the guy next to me was fidgeting with his feet NON-STOP. He was bent over his body doing something with his feet for A LONG TIME. I could hear and see my own heartbeat. I got up (from my middle seat) and told the flight attendant that he was suspicious. I was 100% sure we had a situation on our hands. This coming from the most crazy terrified person on the plane whose Valium had not fully kicked in yet. (In my defense this was RIGHT AFTER the real shoe bomber incident and I was younger and far less…brave. Today, I would just ask the person what they had going on down there).
Turns out the guy next to me with the foot issue, had poison ivy. (This did not make me feel better, but in a different, more itchy way). I had to sit on the plane with him for four more hours. (although they did offer him a seat away from his accuser). He was actually pretty awesome about it. We discussed my fear and he gave me some really good advice. Control the things you can. Have a plan for loved ones, if you have pets, always know what would happen to them if something happened to you. Having your life in order, helps you worry less about it actually happening.
I got Max shortly after that. And I never forgot the advice.
Max had been our family dog so Max was easy, if anything happened to me, my brother would take him. Melvin was way different. Melvin was a lot of things when I first got him but easy was not one them. His vet bills were astronomical. So I immediately started a savings account for Melvin. To be used only in the case of my death. Even if he went to live with his Godmother, I would still be able to help take care of him and he would never be a financial burden on anyone. They could just love him and always be able to give him the care he needed. I took control. It really did help.
I have put money into that account every month for seven years. During the weeks after Melvin’s diagnosis, but before his death, I started thinking about that money. What good could we use it for? If that money was meant to take care of Melvin in a me-less world, how could that money now take care of others, in a Melvin-less world.
The answer came very easy. I took one look at my boy and knew that we would spend that money, helping other dogs. Giving the gift of Joy.
Next week, I’ll tell you more! But for today, have a plan for your pets. Make sure the person you would want to take them, can take them. Set aside a little money for them, it really does give you some peace of mind to know they will have the care and love they need.
And remember, not everyone fidgeting with their feet on a plane, is nefarious. True story.
Here is Jake, jazz-lunging while he eats. This photo is an attempt to make you forget how crazy I once was!
Jake is showing some signs of aggression towards other dogs. This is not necessarily new news. In the past, when I say he could be a jerk, it was more that from time to time, he gets cranky and is a little impossible for a short period of time. That always equated to him tormenting Melvin. They’d be laying peacefully, Jake would get up, walk over and try to bite Melvin’s face. Good times! But lately, it’s different. Lately, if he sees another dog he gets riled up and he can’t come back down.
I am not a professional, but as someone who spends a lot of time with Jake, I’m leaning towards this being one or two things. The first is the obvious, a post-Melvin world. I don’t know if that means that Jake has a more difficult time in situations because Melvin is not there to help or that Jake can be more difficult, because Melvin is not there. The other issue working against Jake now is his legs. In these moments when his intensity increases, he can’t always remain upright. And each time he falls over, he gets more frustrated and it feeds the situation.
To be clear, this is Jake with other animals. Dogs that he encounters as well as any animal that dares to land or saunter into our yard. With humans, Jake has become quite the opposite. He is calm, attention loving and has been extra wonderful with the kids in our family. Four legs, intensity. Two legs, love bug.
We have been working with our trainer. Jake has a prey drive that is unlike anything I have seen. I call him Jason Bourne. When his legs were better, and a bunny family lived in our yard, he would hunt them 24/7. When outside, When inside. Those bunnies haunted him. Those bunnies made the mistake of being in our backyard when Jake was off-leash and sadly two of them didn’t make it back out of the yard. Same goes for a bird that never saw Jake coming. And the frogs. Those poor baby frogs. So the trainer has been helping me help him learn to refocus when he goes into hunt mode. And she is the first person I reached out to when I realized that he is now ‘other dog angry’.
Getting another dog is sort of a big deal for me. So in addition to the trainer, we are going to see a behaviorist. Someone who can help us understand the what and why so we can execute on the when and how. I’m super interested in hearing any and all stories of dogs whose personalities changed (for the worse) when they lost a sibling or when a disability started hindering them. You can share in the comments below or email us at ohmelvinyojake@gmail.com .
For now, the wild beast has taken to his teepee (in his camouflage diapers) to rest up for the next hunt.
I think I’ve mentioned before that I have a (positive) stalking problem. I follow tons of rescues and shelters and I constantly look at (and sometimes visit with the dogs they have). I have done this for years and years and years. It’s not that I was always looking, it’s just that you never know. Visit a shelter dog, you won’t be sorry! A lot of time I will see a dog that will be great for someone I know, and a campaign is started.
Before Melvin got sick, I was seriously considering a third dog. The parameters for that dog were that it would fit personality wise, and hopefully it would be a dog we could help (I was looking at elders). In the third dog scenario, it was easier, Melvin would be there to help me. I’d be responsible for training and controlled chaos, and Melvin could take the lead on showing them the dog routine. One key personality feature was always going to be, ‘don’t need/like to play’. 1. Because Melvin didn’t play. The only living creature he ever play-bowed to was me. And 2. Jake doesn’t play normal. His idea of playing is face and leg biting. Also, with all his spine issues, Jake’s not even supposed to hop off a low bench let alone roll around with another dog.
Now that I look to our future and know that eventually, the next dog will come. I have been thinking about the differences between that third dog search versus the now second dog search. It is different. It feels a little complicated.
In the now second dog scenario, there is no Melvin. Where Melvin was a born leader, Jake is a born follower, and there is nothing wrong with that. But if I bring a new dog into the house and a give a command, Jake is not going to take the lead. He’s going to wait for the new dog to pull up and then he’ll hop into the sidecar. So I need the driver of that sidecar to be a dog that can become a good lead. Also, from a behavior standpoint…Jake with Melvin, not an issue. Jake without Melvin, well that is a brand new world and it’s not always pretty when we are talking about other dogs. I have a good sense of dogs that would do well with Jake. I lived with one for seven years.
So obviously from this post you are sensing that I have been testing out the waters. It’s true. Jake actually had a meet and greet with an English Bulldog named Stanley last week. (I mean Stanley? How perfect can a name be?) And Stanley is an awesome dog. He was surrendered at 4 (he’s almost five) because he couldn’t keep food or water down (most people take their dogs to the vet but his family just tied him up outside and hoped for the best). He was taken in by a local rescue, he got palate surgery. He is healing nicely and coming into his new life of happiness. AWESOME DOG! Jake did great meeting him in our backyard (Jake did less great having Stanley in our house but that we could have worked with). There was a moment when I thought, maybe this is it. But here is the reason Stanley didn’t work for us. As Stanley is coming into joy, he is realizing how much fun playing can be. There was a moment when Stanley was the bowling ball and Jake was the pins (all in good fun) and I suddenly realized that one day with Stanley, and Jake would be a quadriplegic. The rescue ladies agreed that Stanley was a threat to Jake’s ability to remain upright. So we chatted and they said they would keep us in mind for any dogs that came in that might be older or less playful.
They left and I did two things. 1. I cried. I still face painful realities about Melvin being gone. I still want it to be Melvin and Jake and the fact is, eventually it’s going to be Jake and another dog. That cry was healing (tears come for a reason). Those tears turned into pride. We’d gotten back out there. We were trying. And that is a lot. We will find the right, next forever. And I have faith that dog will be a little reminder of Melvin (and that will be a good thing for everyone) and a lot of their own self. That dog will probably also be older than four.
Until then, we stalk!
This is Stanley. He is super cool and he is going to make somebody so happy! If you think that someone is you, he is available through On the Rebound Bulldog Rescue (VA, DC, MD).
A friend reached out to me last week, feeling overwhelmed that her dog was getting older and asking me to remind her why it is I love old dogs so much. I assured her that the things that were overwhelming her, the arthritis, the senior blood work, the ‘what ifs’ were not the things I love about old dogs. No one wants the physical decline to occur, but the reality is, that part happens. It happens to all of us – human and dog.
With dogs though, those physical things that happen, they come with a balance of beautiful moments and lessons.
Old dogs live to love (and eat). They love you, like no other creature could ever love you. As far as they are concerned, you created the sun and the sun spot they are snuggled upon. They want nothing more than to be near you. And this isn’t about them worshiping their human, it’s about love in the purest form. So many of our (human) relationships are conditional, or memory gets in the way. With old dogs, the love they feel is here and now. You screwed up yesterday? They don’t recall that. Work is gonna be stressful this week? They will be waiting for you to get home so they can love you some more!! They are forever in the present.
Sure, they slow down, but that’s a reminder that you should too. Time spirals out of control most days, old dogs just have it right. Linger, saunter slowly down the sidewalk. Glance up at the sky. Forget where you are headed. Lay down mid walk, Life is happening in that very moment, don’t miss a single, glorious minute.
Bumps show up on their skin and their muzzles turn gray, they don’t care. They don’t fret about the aging process, they only care that there is love in your eyes. That you snuggle with them. That food shows up as often as possible. They keep it simple.
Arthritis kicks in, it’s hard to watch, but then you realize, they don’t complain. They adjust. They don’t wish they were a puppy again. They live for right now. For you, sitting there next to them. Watch the joy an old dog experiences when you get down on the floor with them! And even through creaky bones and joints, THEY WILL CHASE THAT BALL. Because they love chasing that ball and old dogs do the things they love. Oh the lessons they teach!
They nap more often and I can tell you with absolute certainty that watching an old dog nap is a beautiful thing. They have faith in what you have surrounded them with. Their home, their bed, their family.
Their eyes may cloud up, but they have never seen the real you more clearly. Their eyes have seen the best and worst of you and those eyes have never judged. The things they can communicate with just a single glance can heal you in ways you never imagined.
Their hearing goes, and they don’t always listen. Hey, when we are 90 years old, are the rules really what we are going to concern ourselves with? But have no fear, even deaf dogs can hear the treat jar open. You cannot help but laugh.
They have accidents. But in that moment when you say ‘it’s ok’ and you clean it up, they will give you their heart.
Pure. True. Love.
Old dogs have life figured out. I truly believe if they could talk, the world would heal. When life is swirling all about, they remain grounded and true. They will take only what you can give. Nothing is too much or too little. They live only for right now, with you.
Go hug a senior dog, go run, do it!
Some of the seniors I have been honored to love! Beauty, rescued at 11! Max, teaching the ‘take a load off’ move.
Mollie-Anne rescued from death row and lived until the glorious age of 15!
And these two knuckle-heads, both seniors!
Of course, he may be my favorite of all the old guys.
When I bought my first house, the hardwoods were not hardwoods and they were light. Max’s hair showed up everywhere. So when I got around to putting in real hardwoods, I put in wide, dark planks. For a year, Max’s hair blended in perfectly.
Then Melvin arrived. Oh well, visual hair there would be.
In this house, because Melvin was (I so effortlessly typed ‘is’ there — still working on typing ‘was’) allergic to everything, hardwoods were the best option. Carpet traps all the things that made him itch. So pretty much the entire house is hardwood. (Medium color — some lessons I do learn!).
Then came Jake. Still all good. Then came Jake’s leg’s issue and hardwood is now his worst enemy. He will stand on the edge of an area rug and panic comes over him. It’s like a child on the edge of a swimming pool. He steps onto the hardwood an SPLAT. Then he swims just trying to get to the next rug.
I love Jake, but I am not having the whole house carpeted. While we were at the beach, I did notice that he walked better on tile. The tile was a rougher texture and he was able to gain some traction on it. That MAY be an option. But for now, I’m going with ‘plan leap-frog’. I put carpet squares all over the house, in between the main rugs so that he can leap onto his lily pads.
Since you all know that I have decorating ADD, I look at those carpet squares and my first inclination is to pick them up/keep things tidy. But then I have to say ‘No, those are for Jake. You love Jake. You love Jake more than you love decorating, right? Right?! Yes, yes, of course.’
We have also tried: traction socks (they don’t stay on), traction socks with vet taped wrapped around them (they don’t stay on), toenail grips (they don’t stay on), paw pad traction stickers (you guessed it, THEY DON’T STAY ON).
If you have any ideas (beyond making him play Frogger), let me know!
From the time I got Melvin to the time I lost him, he was pretty much the same dog. He was exuberant, loving, snuggly and happy. He was soulful. As he aged, the exuberance softened (he’d no longer knock you over to get to you) and the soulful side of him expanded exponentially. He grew into himself, gradually.
Life for Jake has been a little different. Where I got Melvin at three, I got Jake at five. When Jake came to me he was confused, docile, there wasn’t much light in his eyes. It took him a while to warm up to us. At times, he was downright mean to Melvin. But eventually, he became a loving member of our family. Eager to be around us, less eager to please. Then his legs started failing him and he got a bit frustrated, mean Jake returned. But we persevered through that and he found his new ground. Then he fell madly in love with all things Melvin and he softened up. They snuggled, and kissed and Jake followed his hero around like a sweet little sidekick. Then we lost Melvin and Jake retreated, he went back to being Hans solo Jake. He was wounded, lost.
And now he is found agin.
Where Melvin’s life was smoother, even despite all his health issues, Jake’s journey has been a bit more topsy-turvy. But something tells me that the Jake I am getting to know right now, is the true Jake. The on-his-own Jake. Not a follower, not a leader, just Jake. While Melvin lived to be near me, Jake moderately enjoys time spent with me, but he also needs his alone time (hey I get it, I’m the same way!). He spends much more time with me during the day now, but at some point in the afternoon, he heads into the room with the sun and sun spots for a while.
When I call Jake’s name, he will lift his head up every time, so I know he hears me. But he only comes when called, some of the time. There is no real rhyme or reason to when he answers my call. Because that is who he is. Sometimes he seeks to please me, sometimes he focuses on what Jake wants. And that is ok. I like this new Jake. Part of him helps get me through the missing of Melvin and part of him is a stern reminder that he is his own dog.
“I’ll come when I want to come”.
It’s just Jake and I right now. It’s still hard to type that. We miss Melvin a lot. But if it has to be this way, I’m happy for this time with Jake. This is likely the first time in his life he has had a human all to himself. I’m like his lady in waiting. We are very much just living in the moment, not too many plans, we look back every once in a while and there are more smiles than tears. Just existing as a little family of two. It won’t always be this way, so we are enjoying what we have, while we have it.
Vacation was wonderful, it was exactly what we needed. Jake loved every minute of being at the beach house. It was relaxing and the weather was perfect.
There were two big hurdles that Jake and I overcame on this trip.
Jake took his first car ride without Melvin. The trip down there did not go well. Jake hyperventilated for five hours straight and I had to make two calls to our vet. I honestly thought we were going to have to find an emergency vet along the way. He eventually calmed down and fell asleep but the whole drive I just kept thinking, he’d have been totally fine if Melvin had been in the backseat with him. But as it was, Jake had to get through that journey, and he did. And on the way home, he slept the whole way! He found his braves and I’m so proud of him.
As for me, this was the first time returning from the beach (in as far as I can recall), that Melvin was not at home waiting for me. The whole drive home I would anticipate seeing him, even though I knew he wasn’t here. It’s funny how extreme hope can almost alter reality. Just like Jake, I had to conquer that part of our trip.
We got through.
On the drive home, I thought a lot about the current state of the void in our lives right now. Not just missing Melvin, but missing the love (received and given). It would be easy to get another dog right this very minute, just to get back on the love track. But the truth of the truth is, I still just want Melvin. I don’t want a new dog, I want my dog. And I’m not angry or sad about that (Ok I’m a little sad), I just sorta matter-of-factly, don’t see another dog here right now. And I know wholeheartedly that will change, probably in an instant. And I’m excited for that day to come. But I am equally happy to sit in the warmth of my Melvin memories and to see Jake through his first weeks of being an only dog. He is really coming into his new self, seeking affection, learning to listen, becoming brave! It’s enough to enjoy that part right now.
And just in case that last paragraph made anyone sad, let me take this moment to make you laugh. While at the beach, I was kneeling down to change Jake’s diaper. I was behind him, leaning over to be sure that little Jake was tucked in when all of a sudden, he farted…towards my open mouth! There were witnesses. It’s was pretty grossly epic. Ahhhhh, life with Jake!
GOING TO THE BEACH: Getting ready to hyperventilate Jake. (this photo was taken right after I carried him to the car and he proceeded to poop on me). Good times!
RETURNING FROM THE BEACH: ‘Totally got this’ Jake! My brave boy!
When we found out Melvin was sick right through to today, there have been so many people who have lifted me up (and held me there). From the phone calls I made first, to the ones that showed up that night, to those who checked-in on me and Melvin daily, to the ones who were there when I let him go (no words can covey my love for these two), to the ones who showed up that night (and held me through the worst, deeply raw moments) and every night since. My parents, my family, my close friends…I will never be able to thank all of them properly but I will always show up for them through all of life’s ups and downs.
All of you reading… you all inspired me and kept me going and wrote beautiful emails and messages and comments. Some of you even called and/or sent me your phone numbers in the case I needed anything. You sent cards, and gifts and love. You sponsored dogs and paid happiness forward in Melvin’s honor. Infinite love! I’m so, so blessed and so grateful for you all.
Then there were a certain four girls who I have befriended through the blog (and our love for dog items). Four girls (two of whom I have met in person and two that I have not) who reached out constantly, moving me with their thoughtfulness, their words, their deep empathy. Girls who could be my sisters. As I work on ways to thank everyone for all they did, I knew that one way to thank these four women was to try to include them in this getaway.
So I reached out to them. And we figured out how to make it happen. They are coming in from all the US time zones.
Two of them, the two I’ve met before, we’ve lost four dogs – together. It’s not a club you want to join but these are the people you want next to you. Over the past few years, we have encouraged each other forward. We’ve celebrated so much also. I love these two.
One of them, that I have never met, we live parallel lives. Her with her boy and me with Melvin. She is a game changer for fostering and rescue. I spend a lot of time in awe of her.
The other woman who I’ve never met, not only is she one of the most generous and talented people I know, she is the very first person I reached out to when I was coming up with a plan of how to pay joy forward in Melvin’s name (more on that in a few weeks). She inspires me.
All of these women, are my heroes. Caring, loving, beautiful, strong, and all crazy about dogs and rescue and joy! In a few hours they will be arriving here… and my heart feels full! Jake has no idea what he is in for, all he knows is that it’s hot here and he finds it very easy to nap.
We have been going to a beach in South Carolina almost all my life (to either my grandparents condo, our old house and now our new house). When we go down (as a family), some of us drive and some fly. The dogs (Max, Melvin, or Jake – and my sister’s dogs) have never gone. Melvin’s allergies were too severe to spend a week with kids (who adorably drop food and should be allowed to have Oreos smashed around their fingers and mouth). While I always miss the boys when I’m there, I’m also so happy to be around the family that it all balances out.
Of course when I leave for any trip I must leave 45 pages of detailed instructions for every thing that will never happen might come up. Prepping to leave the dogs is emotionally difficult but also, the planning part alone can make me need a vacation.
This weekend, as I was preparing to take Jake with me, I realized that packing for him is WAY harder than leaving him. WAY, WAY, WAY harder. Jake has more stuff than I do. Diapers, diaper rash ointment, baby powder, bath supplies, food, medicine, medicine that he might need, medicine that he will never need but I need to have peace of mind so it’s coming, his GIANT stroller, leashes, mattress pads (plural!), puppy pads for under the mattress pads, beds, natures miracle, his life vest, his cooling jacket, treats, Kongs, toys, pumpkin, car seat…the list goes on. I now realize that had I ever decided to take the dogs, there would have been no room in the car for both of them and their stuff.
Taking Jake brings on a whole new set of challenges. The longest I have been in the car with him is 3 hours. This trip is about 7-8 hours. I’m driving down on my own and meeting folks down there so I had to come up with a plan of how to take bathroom breaks with Jake. I can leave my car running and take the key with me so he will be comfortable at 70 degrees with the AC but I have visions of people seeing Jake in the car and either wanting to steal him (don’t forget all his stuff when you grab him!) or breaking the window to save him (not realizing the car is running) (something I would totally do). There is also getting to the beach house, a house he has never been to and having to leave him to run to the grocery store. And keeping him cool. And keeping the house pee and meatball free. I’m exhausted already!
But all this stuff aside, the full car, the fact that I probably won’t get to pee for 8 hours, the fact that he will 100% go into meatball production when it’s impossible to pull over… I’m so excited to be going on this adventure with him. I planned this trip as we were losing Melvin. I knew that we needed some time in our house to mourn our guy. If we left right after we lost him, we’d both be so heartbroken to return home to not find him here. So we stayed and we worked through the pain of him not being here anymore and now we are going on at trip that signifies our new journey. We are going on a trip for me and Jake and while Melvin won’t be there visually, he is with us always. Woven into the fabric of who we are.
Our first big step forward. It’s going to be good. Stay tuned for highlights… some of the people we are bringing along, well you probably know some (or all) of them!
Jake got a new race car collar and diaper for the trip (Sirius Republic reigns supreme!). This is just ONE of Jake’s three bags.
Most of us who rescue don’t get to know what our fur-babies look like as puppies. I once bought a frame with a yellow lab photo in it because I was convinced that it was what Melvin looked like as a puppy. As for Jake, well I acquired a photo of him and his litter mate.
So I put this photo up on FB and I asked our followers to pick which one they thought was Jake:
The answer is: I’m not sure! One of these dogs is Jake, his name and birthdate are on the back of the photo. But since I can’t talk to his original owner I don’t know for sure (although my guess is below!). As for the Facebook drawing, you know we are nothing if not fair so there was ALWAYS going to be two drawings for two collar winners – from those who said left and right! Winner names are at the end of the post!
But as the person who stares at him most, and the person who has studied this photo for a ridiculously long time I will tell you that at first I was certain he was the one on the left. But now, I’m almost positive he is on the right. Here is why:
Jake is adorably special. But prior to his wonky legs issue, he was just a giant, manly, French Bulldog (with googly eyes). I mean he’s about 13 pounds bigger than the average Frenchie.
You can’t tell without blowing the photo up a little but both dogs are googly wall-eyed.
As far as I can tell, and I am not a tongue expert so who knows, but Jake’s tongue is not (currently) forked
The biggest indication that Jake is likely the dog on the right is the center white marking above their noses. Even though Jake’s face has scrunched down over the years, his center marking is much more in line with the dog on the right.
But then again, who knows! I just know that one of them is Jake and that is more than enough to make me squeal with delight! The left guess winner is Morgan Rivera and the right guess winner is Patty Smith DeFee! Collar winners, you can either PM me your email address on Facebook or you can email it to me at: ohmelvinyojake@gmail.com and I’ll get your Sirius Republic gift certs over to you!
From the time I was 15 to the time I was 30, I lost 16 friends (to death). Most were close friends. There were car accidents, freak accidents, and illnesses. The first few friends I lost I thought ‘why me’. I was young, I didn’t realize that death occurs to the person who died, it’s just the living who have to deal with it. In losing those friends (and additionally grandparents and aunts and uncles), I have had a fairly good education in grief. I have learned to show-up when someone dies. I don’t always have the right thing to say, I don’t always say anything at all, I just show up. And in doing that, it has lead many to believe I have some magic way of dealing with grief. I don’t think that is the case at all. Grief is strange and confusing. In the past few weeks, folks have emailed and called and asked me how I gain perspective during loss. The answer is, I don’t know. I just do the best I can and when I say ‘I show up’ I mean that I not only show up for others, but I also show up for myself.
I was asked to write about grief and what it means for me right now. Here is my take.
I was told once that you shouldn’t carry grief, it’s too heavy and burdensome to hold. Instead, let grief walk next to you. For a while, it will (unfortunately) always be there. It will sometimes take the lead, even when you don’t want it to. But eventually you will look over and it will have fallen behind. Then it might catch up, but fall behind again. Then one day, one miraculous day, you will only see it if you squint, back near your horizon.
I have found three things to be be true about that idea: 1. it’s pretty good advice 2. it takes work 3. the timeline for that varies wildly from person to person to event. If grief is the price we pay for love (and I believe it is), you have to accept that there is no escaping it. When I lost Max, I tried to carry the grief. It was so heavy and so all-consuming, I felt I wouldn’t survive. I was sad, but I was even more overcome with a feeling that it would just never end. With Melvin, I’m sad, but I’m stronger. I don’t know why. Even from the day we found out about the cancer, there was a voice that said, you will get through this. I fought a lot with that voice, I told it to shut the F up. But then I realized that Melvin spent years showing me that no matter what life throws at us, keep moving forward. In a way, he helped to prepare me for this loss.
We have to go through grief, we can’t go around it. Most days, grief owns us, we don’t have a ton of control over raw emotion. For me, I’m processing the whole losing Melvin thing in flashes. There is his life prior to March. That part is lovely. There is his birthday on March 2nd, it was just a day (we rarely know it will be a last birthday), but it is the last date on the calendar that I can make sense of. Then there is the day after his birthday, that’s the day we found out. I can hear the words cancer and dying, but then my thought process changes. Or stops. Or moves so fast I can’t think clearly. Forty days connect the line from the day we found out to the day we said good-bye. Memories of those days vary – from my recall of how overwhelmed I felt to how much love we shared. From the visual of him losing weight and having some physical symptoms to him being joyful and exuberant. From me being terrified about him collapsing to me just loving him. From Melvin and Jake, to me and Melvin, all in the most random order. Most days I can’t even let myself get far enough to make sense of it. And that’s OK. When my mind is ready, it will smooth it all out. I’m probably not supposed to remember it all. There is no way I could forget Melvin but there is also no way I could recall every single moment. I believe the ones I need will stay with me and I accept the reality that, some will fade. Also, I back up my photos on like 40,00 devices, so there is that!
I will admit that I still cry myself to sleep some nights, but I will also tell you with absolute certaintiy that I am OK. I have not had a moment where I think I won’t get through it. I’ve tried not to focus too much on it’s been one week or two weeks, because personally, that doesn’t help me. For example, today is one month since I’ve hugged him. One month can seem like a nanosecond and forever, at the same exact time.
I think we tend to be way too hard on ourselves during the grieving process. The one emotion I refuse to let myself embrace is guilt. Grief is hard enough on its own. Some moments I’m sad, but the sadness transitions to other emotions: like hope (that I’ll be ready for a new dog one day), fear (that I will be overly cautious about symptoms that could be cancer and not just live in the moment), humor (about how hard it is for me to feed only one dog correctly!), joy (that Melvin’s love still wraps around me), excitement (that Jake is starting to blossom). Sometimes it loops back to sad. Sometimes it lands on joy. There is no room in this journey for me to feel bad about what I feel.
At the end of the day, I just try to be kind to myself. I am only human. I don’t ask, why am I crying, I just let myself cry. I don’t feel bad for having fun or looking for dogs on rescue sites (it’s what I do, I stalk all the dogs!), life is still occurring, it’s ok to ease back into it. I don’t ask when will the sadness ease, I just believe that it will. But most of all, I take every opportunity to laugh. I believe in joy!
