Hemangiosarcoma gave us something that it does not give to everyone. Fair warning.
In the past month, I have laid on the floor with Melvin, several times a day. He glances at me and I stop what I’m doing and whisper ‘I love you’ into his ear. I have snuck surprises into each meal, I have allowed him to bark at whatever he’d like. He no longer has to sit for treats. When he won’t go outside at night without me, I gladly accompany him, even in the rain. I cheer on his every moment, I even applaud his sleeping, I mean could anyone be resting better than him? Doubtful! I have told him in a million different ways, how much he means to me. I’ll be honest, Heaven better be pretty spectacular because his last month has been pretty flippen incredible.
It’s easy to pretend that the vets are wrong, but that is not going to help Jake or I in the long run. So, I have taken time to say some things out loud to myself, so that the reality stays grounded. When I say them, there is no gratitude but there is also no anger. I just thought (hope) the more I realize while he’s here, the less I’ll have to come to terms with once he’s gone. Little things like…
- I’ll be washing fewer bowls (you raw feeders know what I mean!).
- There will be less pills.
- It’s going to seem like a lot of leashes for just one dog (especially one that can’t walk!).
- The big Kongs will go unused.
And some bigger realizations, that are harder to come to terms with since they have become a part of who we are.
- It will be OK if food drops on the floor, Jake is not allergic to earth.
- I will be going to the bathroom alone.
- Without his food, the freezer will be empty.
- The bed is going to feel too big.
These are the little things that can overwhelm you when you lose someone. The flood of missing everything all at once. Maybe it will work, maybe it won’t. But I’m a hopeful realist (yes that is possible)!
Cancer gave me time to do things right. And while it has been awesome for him, and harder on me, I’d carry a million of these moments just to know that he went weeks feeling he could do no wrong. Enjoying extra treats for no reason at all. Realizing that his glance is so powerful, it can beckon me to the floor. Each night, I tell him over and over how wonderful he is. I sing songs, I kiss his sweet face, I breathe him in. I watch his nubbin wag the whole time. And every morning, I’m grateful for one more day.
Cancer gave me one thing that it cannot ever take away, the opportunity for time well spent.
A few more from our recent photo shoot..