This one stung a little.

After Melvin died, I tried to think back if there were warning signs.  Not so much to torture myself, but it all happened so fast that I felt signs must have been there.  Melvin had a lot go wrong health wise, especially in his last six months, but he always had odd things going on. I sort of knew in my heart when it started and I recalled that I had blogged about it.  I didn’t go back and look for the post, knowing it was there was enough and to be honest, I knew I couldn’t handle it at the time.

Melvin had started moaning when he shifted positions laying down.  Most ‘older’ creatures do this when they adjust during sleep or when falling asleep and finding a good position.  But my gut told me it was more.  He had also been sleeping in a new position that struck me as odd because it didn’t seem like his usual ‘get as comfortable as possible when sleeping’ approach.  When I told the vet that he had been sleeping in a new position they said ‘but he’s sleeping, right?’.  Yes. But this new position means something, I just know it.

Mom alway knows.

They went with an arthritis in his knees diagnosis that day.  Which was also, probably true. In hindsight, I know the cancer had by started by then, I know that his moaning was the tumor in his liver.  I know the new sleeping position was to accommodate that tumor.  And I now know that the ultrasound we did at that point, was not as comprehensive as it would have been at a specialist.  I also know, that even if I had known back then, he’d still be gone.  His cancer was terminal from the moment it started.

I have been using Facebook’s ‘on this day’ to slowly reconnect with old blog post and for the most part, I love this feature.  I get to be reminded of past posts and moments with the boys. Facebook reminded me this weekend of that post from a year ago, when I had a gut feeling Melvin had cancer. I cried a little when I read it. Maybe it was that I had joked some about it in the post but probably because I recall how I felt, and I did feel wholeheartedly that something was wrong.  Rereading that post started off as a rip in my heart but then it ended in odd joy.  Because if there is one thing in life I knew, it was my Melvin. My connection to him was pure and true. I still stand so proud of that.

I’m thankful we didn’t ‘know’ earlier.  It happened as it was supposed to and I have no regrets.

#loveliveson

The post from a year ago, is HERE.

And here is Jake and his googly eyes,  being as adorable as ever…IMG_6475

7 thoughts on “This one stung a little.

  1. I remember as if it were yesterday reading the post you reference. I truly believe there are days in which Ray looks at me and is willing me to “make it better.”

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