It’s been 19 months since my last blog post. It seems way longer than that. Today, has been six years since I said goodby to Jake. It doesn’t feel that long ago at all.
Time is funny.
Jake’s death was the hardest season of my life. I was still grieving Melvin, I was still figuring out life with just Jake and I and then, Jake was gone. I remember being so incredibly uncomfortable in my own skin. So much of my day was spent caring for Jake, the realization that was no longer my role, my purpose, was impossible for me to maneuver away from. Add to that, Melvin and Jake were both no longer here. No dogs lived here anymore.
There was no light. No joy.
I remember being in my house not wanting to be in a place where I no longer saw Jake. So I’d leave. And I’d see people walking their dogs and I was so a angry they had their dogs. Why didn’t I have mine? So I’d come home. And I’d stand outside the door and cry at the silence I was about to endure. Why is grief such a mother fucker?
That version of me, and that unbearable grief, they don’t live here anymore. I have healed. I have also let go of the anger that I didn’t get to see them grow old. They grew as old as they were meant to. I guess that’s true for all of us.
Time is a delicate lifeline.
The boys are as close as I will ever come to having kids. While I know losing a dog, is nowhere close to losing a child, losing the boys was still the loss of my little family.
And I would do it all over again. Again and again. Now, when I close my eyes, Melvin and Jake are there, and when I open my eyes, Doug is here. Melvin and Jake love lives on. That same love that ripped a hole in me through grief, healed me, and guided me, and reminds me that it is always worth it. One day, Doug love will live on.
What other choice is there? ❤️
I miss you, Jakey. You perfect, little delicious cinder block of googly wonkiness. You will always be my baby. I even had meatballs for dinner in your honor. Say hello to the big guy for me, although I know he’s right next to me, as always. ❤️🌈
Thanks for always checking back in on us. I’ll try to post more often than every 19 months. xoxo
Oh Oh Oh goodness that had me crying …….. What a beautiful post, and so true.
Anger and grief are so closely aligned.
Love and Joy too, but harder to find.
Much love back atcha!!
So glad to hear your voice and love again. Love lives on
So happy to be back here! ❤️
Such a lovely surprise to see a post from you this morning. Beautiful as always. Love Lives On.
Love, love, love you!!
So happy to read your wonderful writing again! Missed you and Doug tons, and glad that you’ve both survived these past 19 months. I was a bit worried about each of you.
This essay is so poignant. WOW!
Chris!! We’ve missed you!! xoxo
Yep what choice do we have? To live alone and not give another deserving animal cooped up in a shelter the life it truly deserves, and for that matter the life we deserve? Nope, not me! I love my girl who is 10+ and losing her hearing, and sleeping most of her days away after a walk, a walk that is cut shorter than previous walks, and yep she is named in my Trust in case I go before her! No shame on that for me!!! But if she goes before me I will go to the shelter and get another deserving dog to spend my days with, and if my age precludes me from feeling like a young dog is best, I will gladly get a senior who has lost its owner or a hospice dog. Love truly lives on at my house too. Love your blog and instagram account Tracey!