When Max died, I prayed that I’d see him in a dream. Every night I’d go to bed and hope that was the night he’d come to my dreams. This year marks seven years since he died, and I have never once dreamt of him. That’s ok. Eventually, it became something I joke about. And the truth is, sometimes humor trumps what we think we need.
After Melvin was diagnosed, I’d lay with him at night and talk to him. Not just all the things I wanted him to know, I mean I said those things too, but more because I’ve spent years talking ‘with’ him, and I only had a short time to get a lifetime of our conversations in. In our ‘discussions’, I’d say “tell Max it’s ok he’s never snuck into my dreams, but Buddy, feel free to do as I say, not as Max does!’. And every night, in addition to the songs, and the love and the praise I would shower him with, I’d say — “Please, find a way to come back to me. But if you can’t or you think it’s not what is best for me, then know I will understand”. He was probably like: please stop talking, it’s 3am.
Well I feel Melvin all the time. I feel him in my chest. I can’t explain it, but there is a delightful weight there now, and I know it’s him.
He didn’t stop there. This week, I dreamt of Melvin. It was an odd dream. In fact when I woke up I was trying to figure out what the heck it was even about before I realized, HOLY CRAP, MELVIN CAME BACK TO ME!
The dream was… I went to the movies with my parents. And when we walked in to get seats, the place was a mad house. It was packed, everyone was diving for seats. So they went one way and I said I’d sit ‘over here’ and they said, ok, you and boys sit over there. And I looked down, and Jake and Melvin were with me. I was suddenly so confused as to why I brought my dogs to the movie. And I was worried we’d get kicked out! So I quickly found a seat and the dogs, laid down under me. But the theatre kept getting more and more crowded. And people were sitting on laps and the space in the aisle started filling up. I started to feel so much anxiety about the dogs being there and getting stepped on and then I realized I didn’t have leashes for them. And I started to panic. I grabbed Jake in my arms and took Melvin by the collar and we went running outside. Once outside, it was just us. No one was there. There was a patch of grass and it was calm, and lovely and we laid in the grass and snuggled. And I held them, and touched Melvin and it was real.
And then I woke up. I had a conversation with Melvin that went like this: Thank you. I’ve never loved you more!!