One year.

Tuesday will mark the one year anniversary of losing Jake. Of all the days I have had to face after losing both Melvin and Jake, this one is by far the most difficult for me.

I don’t want it to be one year because I don’t want it to even be one minute. Most days, I barely accept that he’s gone. I still lose my breath during moments of missing him. I have theories on why this has been so hard on me, but the reality is that the theories don’t really matter.  Losing Jake has been the hardest thing I’ve gone through. It is what it is.

I know that some of you are thinking, even harder than losing Melvin?

Yes. Much harder.

Some of that is likely due to losing both boys back-to-back with Jake being second.  Some of that is that I had Jake during the year after losing Melvin. Some of that is Doug is not a healer, he’s a spaz who barely senses emotion (I still love him).  Mostly though, and I never thought I would be someone who would say these words but I say them with complete conviction: Melvin imprinted on me. I felt intense grief when he died, but then he reached out and played a role in my healing process.  He is a part of who I am. A part I can feel, call upon, and count on.  I will never be able to explain it, I’m only just grateful that it happened. He and I are one.

It is not the same with Jake. And it wouldn’t be fair of me to ask that the universe make it the same.  Each loss is different. Losing Jake left a wide void. I have not figured out how to mend it yet.

When I hit the one year mark of losing Melvin, I recall it being easier to celebrate all the beautiful moments we’d had, and sure, I was sad that he was not here (and always will be) but I was infinitely stronger to face life without Melvin than I have been to face days without Jake. I went through every photo I ever took of Melvin and made a few videos to share with you all. I was unable to do the same for Jake. I don’t feel guilty about this, I know he doesn’t care. I fully accept my limitations where grieving him is concerned.

I have two posts coming next week to pay tribute to my love for Jake. But I can tell you with all that I am, that I hope Tuesday will be a day that fades in and then fades away. I want the calendar to stop reminding me that he’s gone.

I’m not gone woman. I left my DNA everywhere! 3 5 14

For those of you who are new to the blog, here is the post that explains Jakey’s last days with me.

And here is my one year post after Melvin died.

13 thoughts on “One year.

  1. I feel you, lady. Even though it’s only been 13 days, it feels like a million in a lot of ways. It’s amazing how quickly we adjust to change in all of these little ways and yet the sadness stays very, very fresh. I’ll be thinking of you during this crappy anniversary and just know that you’ve helped me (and I’m sure many more) make sense of such a heartbreaking time in our human lives. I would love to hear your theories, just FYI.

  2. Hoping that Tuesday is bearable for you, grief is unexplainable at times, and the feelings associated with it can be soooo powerful there really is no explaining it. Wishing you peace this week.

  3. I went through that when I lost BabyCakes. She was also special needs and depended on me for a lot, well almost everything. I think there is such a deep bond when they need us in such special ways that their leaving is a real ripping apart. She left 10 years ago and I can talk about her now without crying. I miss her still though.

  4. I know how difficult this is, been there a few times. The pain of the loss never really goes away. Stay strong, grieve as long as you need to. Just remember your fur baby is always with you, part of you, right beside you!

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