Sweet Freedom.

Doug came off of all tie-downs a little over a week ago.  I didn’t make a huge deal about it because I figured he’d take off running and break something else. That is a truly what I think. I am still not sure it won’t happen.

For now, he and I both have freedom again.

I no longer have to take him into our backyard on leash.

He is no longer on tie down on the patio. Or in the house.

The jail cell is packed away.

He can run, jump and partially fly, whenever he wants. Although he has yet to do any of this yet, I’m hoping he feels some of his own physical limitations and will slowly increase his crazy. A mom can dream!

There are so many things I’m thankful for, like his wonderful surgeon (Dr. Sutherland at The Life Center/VSC) and his rehab girls at VSCR (Jesse and Becky).  It’s because of them that we are waving goodbye to limping, and hopping, and jail cells, and tie downs.  They set us free again.

I’m also, so thankful for all of you! Reaching out, commiserating, providing laughter during tears. We. Love. You! We feel your support, it wraps around us like a giant hug!  You helped to heal us!

Video and photo proof that the inmate has been released!

Wait, why are we so far apart?IMG_7106

 

What is freedom? Where are the chains that hold me back. IMG_7108

 

Incisions are healed so he is finally free to…be a dog.  IMG_7114

 

Hey brothers, she set me free!  I can pee on you now.  (they are not really there, just our little memory tree) #lovelivesonIMG_7103

Well that’s new.

Last week, Doug pee’d in the house. He did it once a day for four days. Actually one of the times was at Rehab but it was still indoors and it was in front of Becky so I knew he was not being defiant. All four times he had been out to pee recently so I made him an appointment,  I collected some pee from him and off we went.

The initial read of the pee seemed normal.  But the vet asked me how I collected it, if I had touched anything or if the container was clean.  I had not and it was. She was a little perplexed because there was ‘debris’ in the sample.

She did the male version of an OB-GYN exam and then said ‘ohhhhhhhh, there’s the problem’…

I should note here that I spent a lot of time deciding what term to use for this update. Since a lot of readers have said their kids look at pictures of Doug, I went with the G-rated term.

Doug has a ding-a-ling infection.  Saying ding-a-ling softens it a little but it does not make it any less strange. I have had boy dog my whole life and this is the very first (and hopefully last) ding-a-ling issue we have ever faced. For anyone confused, it’s not a UTI, it’s his actual Ding. A. Ling.

I asked her how this could have happened, knowing full well that if any dog was going to get an infection in their man parts, it would be Doug. That thing is ALWAYS out. Some days I worry it’s stuck on the out position. She said it was likely allergies, but that it could be from a lot of different things (like dirt or something getting ‘in there’).  If any of you are wondering if Doug is bringing Syphilis back, he’s not. I asked.  It’s not a STD.

But for just one moment, can’t you see Doug on a STD PSA poster in the subway?

The vet said infections like this can go one of two ways. The seven days of oral antibiotics work, or it could get really bad. The really bad road includes have to wash and clean the ding-a-ling several times a day (with a substance that I happen to be allergic to) and having to apply ding-a-ling topical medication, to said ding.

No.  Just no.

We are really due the ‘it worked’ option.  We’ll take two of those please!

Please.  A ding-a-ling thing can’t be the issue that breaks me.  Oh but wait, it already has.

Instead of showing you Doug’s ding-a-ling, I will show you what happens when he has an urgency to pee from said uncomfortable ding-a-ling.  He pulls when I’m not expecting it and this weekend he took me down hard to get to grass.  I’m covered in bruises and there is this:

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I know it’s gross but be thankful I didn’t go with Herpe Joe’s photo.

 

What to expect when you’re expecting.

For the most part, I hate FB targeted ads. Usually I will shop for something online, buy the item and then FB will start ‘suggesting’ that item (that I already bought) for weeks after. I mean it’s creepy enough that they know what I’m looking at but in most cases, I don’t need two washing machines or two dog unicorn costumes.

But every once in a while, they get it right.  Like when they targeted me for months with the U-shaped body pillow. The ad was via a video of all the restful comfy positions you can use the pillow for. At first I thought, that’s weird and eventually I got to I must have it.

I ordered it and it came and it’s as magical as the video showed it could be. It actually has been great for when I have migraines because, well because that pillow just gets me and I love it. I got it while Doug was on lockdown so he never really saw it. Until this weekend.

I brought it downstairs because I had a migraine and took refuge on the couch for a while. I should add, it looks a lot like a pregnancy pillow. People take one look at it and ask if I’m pregnant.

No. But as it turns out, Doug might be.

The migraine passed but the pillow is still on the couch (don’t judge me or my post migraine laziness).  Come to find out, the secret to getting Doug to calm down or chill out or snuggle, is the sight of this pillow. I kid you not, this unicorn of a pillow has magical powers over Doug.

The migraine day when he was like, wait, what is this?IMG_6943

What? Dogs can have migraines. IMG_6966

Go away, she’s mine now. My parts are all over her. IMG_6973

Can I marry her?IMG_6995

Can we get some privacy?IMG_7012

MineIMG_7029.JPG

There is no way I’m ever getting that pillow back. Also, Doug is registered at PillowsRus and BuyBuyAllThePillows.

 

That’s the way love goes.

I have some friends who have lost dogs recently and find themselves in a heavy-hearted conundrum. One that I know very well. No dogs in the house and uncertainty about ever being able to love a dog again. Then there is the ever awesome (not) feeling of guilt that they are in some way, moving on, or away from, the one they lost.

The number one question I get about grief and moving forward with Doug is: Did you love Doug right away.

The answer is, no. Love and grief are a strange combination.

Max was the dog that showed me the way. Without him, there would never have been a Melvin, a Jake or a Doug. He was the beginning, the catalyst, the original.

Melvin was a massive growth spurt for my heart. It is unlikely I will ever love another dog in the same way I loved Melvin. Our connection is spiritual and I am fine with that part of me belonging only to him. He changed me. But as with all loves, they grow and move and are meant to live on.

Melvin love, brought Jake home.

Jake is my baby. My love for him is different from my love for Melvin or Max. It is no more or less, just unique to Jake.  I felt that way when Melvin was here and after Melvin died. I doubt I will ever love a dog the way I loved Jake. That is exactly how it was meant to be.

Jake love, brought Doug home.

When I got Doug, my heart was still living in the Melvin and Jake era. I was still figuring out where my little family went. He didn’t fit in perfectly but at the same time, he didn’t have to find his place because there were no dogs here. I never felt guilty about bringing Doug home (but I certainly had felt that about dogs I met after Jake but before Doug).  I also never felt passionate about Doug’s arrival. In a lot of ways he solved the empty house problem which is not the most loving reason to get a dog.  Then again, I got Melvin because Max was dying so maybe life knows what it’s doing after all.

For most of Doug’s first year, I missed Jake.  If I wore some sort of emotional gauge, that is what would register as #1. Grief owns you until it doesn’t.

Last night after Doug was a madman and ran and jumped and did all the things he is not supposed to do post surgery I snuggled with my little guy. I have felt love for him for a long time now, it sorta just snuck up on me a few months into him joining the family. I know that sounds sad, I loved him enough to bring him home and keep him during the times he tried to eat my feet but I was not struck with an overwhelming YOU ARE THE ONE, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH right away with him.  I liked him a whole lot. I just didn’t have control over where my love had scattered after losing Melvin and Jake.

Last night, I realized, in a rather quiet, a-ha moment, that I LOVE him. Fiercely. Every bit as much as his brothers and in a completely different way that is also exactly the same. For anyone and everyone who has loved and lost and then loved again, you know what I mean. It’s not a guilty, replacement love. It is brand new love from the same loving heart.

I believe with all that I am that love lives on. That our hearts love, and when we lose the one we love, that loves stays theirs but our capacity to love widens to welcome the next love home. The chapters of our lives move on. What other choice do we have? Love is not meant to be tucked away in its pages, love needs air and light and new places to land.

The world needs love to live on, more than ever.

I know that if Doug could talk the first thing he would do is to thank Max, Melvin and Jake for sending my love back out into the universe.  I know with all that I am that Melvin, the owner of my heart, wants me to rain love down on as many dogs as I can fit into this lifetime and that anything else would be unacceptable to him.

Melvin’s song as you all know is Photograph.  Jake’s song is Superman. Every time I look at Doug, this song plays in my head.

Go out and spread some love today. Or better yet, do that every day.

#loveliveson

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