Hey guys, it’s me Jake. I’ve been instructed to confess my sin. At first I was surprised at the singular ‘sin’ part but then I became super thankful that She does not know about my other indiscretions. Apparently this time I’m to admit to the following:
I pee’d on Melvin’s bed. Again.
To be honest, I did not know this was a sin. I mean I…oh, who am I kidding? I knew She’d be upset and inside I was laughing when he laid in it! I’m somewhere between the age of thirty to thirty-six but I’m like that thirty-year-old human dude who thinks he’s still in a fraternity and still lives with his parents and still plays video games in the basement. Only the dog version of that is peeing in your brother’s bed. Calm down, I mean there is a ton of crime and strife going on in this world, a little pee never killed anyone.
Why did I do it? Well, no one knows for sure. Not even me. I love my brother, I live to smell his butt. I stare at him and when he moves, I follow. At the same time, I hate my brother. He gets more food than I do, he gets to go through doorways before me and his bed is bigger and more comfortable than mine (even though She claims they are exactly the same bed, I can just tell, his is better). Also, the other day he jumped off the bed and I could tell he jumped TOWARDS me when he clearly could have jumped away from my precious body. And I know it confuses her that I sleep in that bed every chance I get and still I pee in it and well you what…I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU. I’M JAKE. I HAVE A DARK SIDE. DEAL WITH IT.
Are we done here? How does confession work, am I just instantly forgiven and released of all guilt? Great! Take care, peace out.