Category Archives: Jake

Special needs.

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There are a lot of rescuers who think of me when they get a special needs dog into their rescue. They reach out to let me know they have one and we chat about it.  Then, I explain to them that Jake prefers to be an only dog.

I have friends who tag me whenever they see an adoptable with severe allergies.  Or one who wears diapers.

When I took Melvin in, I knew (or so I thought) what I was in for. The rescue group told me that his allergies were severe and they would be an issue his entire life. They told me I was committing to a shared, lifelong struggle. Of course Melvin had countless health issues, but almost all them stemmed in some way from his allergies.  The net, net is that I took him on knowing there were going to be a lot of hurdles. I’d do him all over again. I fell in love with him at first sight.

I did not know with Jake (that he would be such a health challenge nor was it love at first sight. It was definitely like at first sight, but I never thought I wanted a small dog and he didn’t even seem to like me when I first met him…), I think that is probably how it is most of the time. There are no health guarantees when you get a rescue or a puppy (or a human for that matter). Jake’s issues all came unexpectedly.  Eye ulcers and blindness. His legs failing, his need for a wheelchair and a stroller. The need to change his diapers 10-15 times a day, the need to adjust his diapers 100 times a day (not the diapers fault, if you dragged your hind legs around, your underwear would slide off too), his inability to hold his meatballs. The constant struggle with diaper rash, allergies, infections and MRSP.  It’s a lot. Some days it’s overwhelming. But that’s what love is.  We were a year into life with Jake when the first issue came up.  A year in equates to me loving him an immeasurable amount.

Love drives me to care for Jake. It wakes me up at 3am when he has poop’d and it keeps me calm when he starts leaking the moment he comes back inside and dirtys a perfectly clean diaper. Love controls my voice, so that it never sounds annoyed, always gentle. Love gets me through the gagging I go through every day when I smell A&D ointment. For every time I hear ‘I don’t know how you do it’, there is a ‘love gives me the ability to do anything’ response.

To be honest, I have no idea if I would have taken Jake had our paths not crossed until a year later. If I was to meet him as a leaky, wonky legged rescue at an event.  I really don’t know one way or the other. Sometimes I think I would not have. The struggle with Melvin’s health was lessening everyday at that point-in-time and I was glad to be getting a bit of a break.  I might have said no. Sometimes I think, of course I would have adopted him, that I would have known he and Melvin and I were meant to be.  I had a year to fall in love with Jake before our struggle became real. Our rescue played out as it was supposed to.

When I get calls or emails about special needs dogs, the very first thing I think is ‘their owner is out there somewhere, but I don’t know that it’s me’, because if there is one thing I know for sure, it’s that I don’t know what I am willing to go through until I meet a dog. In theory, I want to help all the dogs, but I don’t want to adopt all the dogs. There is a connection that occurs, it’s why most of us say that the dog rescues us. Something happens, and you just know from that point on, come hell, cancer or paralysis, you are their forever.

What I do know for certain is that Jake’s struggles, and my needing to adjust to them, have forever changed me. From dealing with his challenges, I learned that being frustrated (or not), is a choice. True story, the next time you are in the heat of frustration, you can choose not to be. It takes practice but it’s a good code.  I learned that no matter what I feel my struggle is, his is always greater. Thus, I rarely complain, if Jake can’t, I shouldn’t either. I learned from Jake, that moving forward doesn’t always have to be physical, sometimes it is more of a spiritual movement.  I found out that my ability to love has infinite depth both emotionally and physically.  Where I think Melvin sensed my love, Jake feels my love more through actions. Some through nurturing and care and patience. When I change his diaper and apply four different medications to his diaper area, and it gives him relief, he feels loved. When I carry him, he feels my love. In the middle of the night, when I meet him with a gentle voice and clean him up, he knows it’s love. Sometimes love is spiritual and sometimes love is found in actions or shared moments. Sometimes love is just who we are. (Sometimes love tries to snuggle and dogs named Jake say ‘if you love me, you will back up’). Love listens. Melvin made me a better person by showing me what perseverance looked like and that happiness can be found in the smallest moments and in the greatest challenges. He made me a joy seeker.  In a thousand different ways, Jake has made me more resilient, more understanding, more calm. He taught me that as challenges stack up, laughter can still reign supreme.

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I think this post came from a couple different places. Some of it is the very popular question of if/when I will get another dog. A question that I answer ‘if/when I do’. My heart says it has felt enough ache, but Melvin whispers to me that more dog joy will come. I have to assume that the universe will give me the level of challenge I need when the time for that decision comes. That time, is of course, not now.

I think most of this post comes after the direction that Jake can no longer use his wheelchair as it puts too much pressure on his cancer leg. This one broke me a little, just typing it brings with it a swell of emotion. Not because his wheelchair is something we can’t live without. We can. And not because his wheelchair is really needed all that much any more.  It’s not. But because the wheelchair was the very first thing I ordered when we found out about his spine. It was our very first solution. It visually stands for what we believe, and what we can achieve. And when he’s in it, for just a little while, he’s Jake before the paralysis. He’s free. I had to ask myself, should I keep it.  Will you be rescuing another Frenchie (I’m convinced they will all need wheelchairs!)? Since I do not know the answer to that question right now, I will not hold onto his wheelchair. That wouldn’t be fair to a dog who needs it right now. We will let it go. We will lessen someone else’s immediate load.

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Lastly…Sunday, as I was taking my place on the couch next to Jake (after a long, lovely Mother’s Day), I looked over and saw this.  I laughed so hard! Sometimes love can be found in quiet clean-up so as not to awaken the sleeping baby!

#lifewithJake IMG_8445

 

 

 

 

Vets, ramps and rugs.

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In the last week, we have seen the oncologist, our holistic vet (for therapy and a check-in) and our regular vet (to get on the same page and decide what the heck that page is).

Here is what I know.

  • Jake’s cancer leg no longer works. I am a very positive person but I think that leg is probably done. I don’t blame it, I’d quit too.
  • Jake has lost 5 lbs. since February.  I know that cancer requires a lot of calories and I think that for Jake, eventually his body won’t be able to keep up on the eating.  As for now, he eats fine, so that is great. We are increasing his food intake and that makes him very happy!
  • Jake is fairly stoic when it comes to pain. He showed no response to having a cracked tooth or various split nails. We do believe we are starting to see signs of him experiencing pain (and nausea) so we are treating both and will continue to monitor him closely. I want him comfortable.
  • It was time for a few of his vaccinations and to refill his heart guard. We had a realistic conversation about his prognosis, that his cancer is not treatable and that his body is weaker with every passing day. I told our regular vet that I only wanted to do the vaccinations he truly needed. We ended up opting against some. I don’t think that his cancer is from vaccinations or from any preventative (I don’t know that for sure but I do believe some of them are important) but I do feel like there is no need to throw any unnecessary treatments at cancer or his body right now. I am Jake’s voice. I have no veterinary training but I am trained in the art of loving Jake and love makes decisions sometimes and right now, love decided that we won’t be putting some of those treatments into his body. These decisions we face are big, insurmountable, giants. But I believe with all that I am that at the end of our pet’s lives, relying on love is the best guide.
  • He still has joy, and for that, we have everything that we need!

Put more food in my belly.IMG_8359

This weekend I continued my quest to find a ramp that Jake can use to go outside. I can carry him, but lifting him up and setting him down so many times a day is not good for his spine (or mine!) and sometimes it seems to bother cancer leg so the ramp is still the most ideal option. The steps to the outside are brick and Jake gets too scraped up going down them on his own.  I have tried carpet pads, nothing has worked. We are now on ramp four. I found a ramp with a Melvin look-alike on the box and I took that as a sign that it was the one!  Then I went to a sporting goods store to buy some yoga mats (one for the ramp since it’s lined with a sandpaper type gripping and that would just result in Jake dragging his then BLOODY stumps).  I told the salesperson I wanted the cheapest ones they had since at some point, it would be pee’d on. I felt bad for him but welcome to my world sales guy!

The good news is, Jake is using the ramp!  I still hold-guide him but it seems to be the one!  Thank you Melvin-look-alike! And of course the cheapest yoga mats are the light ones. The ones that show black mulch paw prints and pee very clearly.

Since getting Jake, he has ‘gone through’ roughly 15 rugs. I clean them, you have no idea how well I clean them(!), but there comes a point when the rug has taken its last beating and we have to let it go. When we got Jake’s diagnosis I decided that I would keep our current rugs and replace them all at once after he went to ‘see Melvin’. Well, Jake’s body had other plans for one of our rugs so its departure came early. Unfortunately it was a rug that covered a lot of ground. So now, instead of matching rugs, I have matching yoga mats, all throughout my house.  They are MUCH easier on Jake and MUCH easier to clean. It’s odd to have random yoga-mat-walkways, but it’s working so I have let go of the decorating fight and embraced the ‘just make it easier for everyone’ approach.

Follow the yoga-mat road! IMG_8377

Goodbye, fifteen. I remember the very first day I had you and Melvin threw-up pumpkin on you.  It took me three hours to get the stain out. I have a feeling you will be happier at the dump. IMG_8376

Denial – it’s lovely here, come visit.

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Sorry for the lack of updates. I was opting to live in some denial, which is difficult to do on the blog.

For example, when anyone asks me how long Jake has, I say six months. I still say six months, even though it’s been a few months since we got that prognosis. February 13th to be exact. Since Melvin’s cancer prognosis was in days, being able to say and hold onto months feels like such a long, short time. And since it is really anyone’s guess, six months is not a lie.

Then, we saw the oncologist again. Jake’s cancer leg is now not working, at all.  In fact, that leg is making his hind right leg look like it could go to the Olympics.  His cancer leg is in the back on the left, yet it drags sideways to the right, so his stronger-weak right leg has to ‘jump’ over it with every step.

Why universe? Why?

When discussing this with the oncologist, that clearly his cancer leg is his weak link, she shared concerns that perhaps the radiation did not benefit Jake as much as they hoped.

Wait. Stop. Pretend like you didn’t hear her.

Is that even a thing? That radiation wouldn’t work. I mean I guess it could be, she’s saying it but I just sort of thought it was a given.

She said if the radiation helped him, his cancer leg should not be weaker, it should in fact be a bit stronger. (I had thought radiation would just do its magic internally and slow the cancer down, his leg being better was not something I expected so this was a surprise to me). If nothing else, she said it should have stayed the same.

Pretend like you never came today.  Go home and continue saying six months. 

I asked what that did to our timeline, if perhaps the stupid radiation did not do its freakin job. She said, let’s wait and see.  That in some humans who have his form of radiation, there is residual swelling of the tumor for as long as 8 weeks (which in theory could make his leg weaker and then it could bounce back).  I sensed she leapt into denial-land when she said that but I was happy to have company and we decided to wait and see.  We are currently at just over six weeks since radiation.

The important thing is that his pain is under control.  He is comfortable, he is still moving around (with the new back leg drag/hop), he is still eating, he still has joy in his eye (hamburger eye does not really show that much emotion!). Those are my metrics.

We could do another scan to see what’s going on but I don’t plan to do that. I don’t need to see his cancer.  Knowing it’s there is enough. We are still resting our fate on love and joy and he is doing just fine in that area, so our infinite six months still stands.

Here is my little monkey, and his wonky, crazy legs.

Taking a break on his way out back. IMG_8291

Sitting pretty in pink. IMG_8283

Notice my expert wrapping job of cancer legs foot.  That paw stays scraped up and bloody.  We have tried every sock and baby booty known to man.  I kid you not, we have hundreds of socks, shoes and booties.  Nothing stays on him. Gauze, vet tape and Animax are our best friends. IMG_8280

Keeping watch from the shade. IMG_8331

 

Update on Jake.

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At Jake’s Oncology appointment, the oncologist was deciding how our future visits should go. She suggested that we be seen every three weeks, but alternate between oncology and neurology. Every three weeks took me by surprise, to see either of them. I was extra confused about why we would go to see neurology (at all). They had pretty much said ‘good luck’ (in the best possible way), as there are no treatment options for Jake’s spinal condition. We do laser therapy and electroacupuncture to help his good parts, but from a neuro standpoint, their work is done. So I asked: ‘I was told there was nothing they can do, why would we see them’. Her reason for suggesting we switch off between oncology and neurology is that they (the medical team) might not know for sure what is the cancer spreading and what is his spine when in comes to decline. So I challenged: “his spinal condition is not painful, in fact it helps some with pain since he has limited feeling in some parts. But his cancer is known to be painful, often very painful. So won’t pain be an indication”. She said, it should be.

I then did what I often do when it comes to making hard decisions for the boys, I took the lead: ‘I’m not going to be looking to you or neurology for guidance on when it is the right time to let Jake go. I will know.’ I said it so matter-of-factly, it caused her pause. And then I think it caused (her) relief.

Our regular vet and I have a system. She tells me when we have done all we can medically, and I take that knowledge and add it to what I know. For me, once we have done all that we can, the question is no longer medical. The decision is based on the science of love and joy. From the day I took all three dogs in I made them a promise to do right with the power to make decisions for them. We do this daily for our dogs, but when it comes to this last decision, well nothing feels so insurmountable.

So pain will be an indicator.  Also, Jake’s cancer is at the bottom of his spine and extends down his left hind leg.  So deterioration in that leg only will be a sign.  Also, since it’s a soft tissue cancer, it may invade his bladder or colon so if he stops being able to go potty, that will be a sign.

No one wants to think about these things but for us, in order to not dwell on it 24/7, we have to outline the medical parameters so we can get on with the joyful task of living. It’s definitely a challenge to not mourn them while they are still alive, but with Jake, I’m trying to save all that for later (or at least until the middle of the night once he’s asleep).

The only thing we dwell on right now is how much peanut butter we have left.

Woman, put peanut butter in my belly right now! IMG_8221

Hey, brother.

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Dear Melvin…I miss you. I mean like, I really miss you, not just your butt. She said it was a year ago that we said goodbye, I don’t understand the concept of time but it feels more like seven years, am I right?

I looked for you, for weeks.  I would howl in case you were lost and needed to hear my sweet Barry White voice to find your way back.  She and I were really sad.  I couldn’t even be around her because she reminded me of you.  I think she felt the same way about me. Eventually I had to stop being alone and start being there for her, just like you told me I would need to be. I try to love her as much as you love her, I think it’s working. She laughs a lot more now.

Lately, she has started saying, ‘you can’t go see your brother yet…’.  Wait, what? Is going to see you an option?  Truth is, I see you all the time. Like every time a sunspot shows up.  Or when I’m outside and the breeze blows my beautiful hairs around, it’s you.

She tried to bring me other brothers. She is funny.  I sent them packing.  I know, I know, you believe in ‘give peace a chance’ and no one appreciates that about you more than me. It’s why I am still alive.  But you know me, I shoot first and ask one question later: “Are you Melvin? No? Then GET OUT!”. I pledge allegiance to the brotherhood of Melvin and Jake.

You are my true love. You made me feel like Super Jake. You always loved me just as a I was. Losing you hurt real bad. I’m going to try to stay with her for a little while longer, she needs to soak in some more Jake awesomeness, but something tells me I may see you soon.  It’s going to be the most epic reunion ever! When I see you, I will run so fast with all my legs and I will jump straight into you! You might want to get protective padding.

It’s you and me and her. She says she wouldn’t change a single thing and I agree. We love you and miss you but are way more better for having had you here with us.  We will always be, three. Well, maybe four if you include your delicious butt.

I will take care of her and you know she will take care of me.

Be on the lookout for me.

I love you.

Jake

PS: We decided to only show the last part of the video, the part about all the love.  There is music so be sure you have sound, music makes everything better!  

Song credit is State of Grace by Taylor Swift, we hope she does not sue us!   

 

 

 

 

 

One year.

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Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of losing Melvin.  One time around the sun without him, which is poetic way of measuring it since he still shines so brightly in our lives.

I miss him. The all of me misses the all of him. It’s a permanent ache. There are moments that stop me in my tracks and the weight of the loss sits on me and I cry.  But that does not happen every day anymore.  Not even every week.  It just happens now and then, as I’m sure it will for the remainder of my life.

Losing him was hard but I love him more today than I did a year ago. I love him more than yesterday. The journey of grief is so strange.  Sometimes we forgot to applaud ourselves for the growth that occurs during it.

I have been working on a video, a chronological trip down photo lane of his life.  The video was therapy for me.  I started with the very fist photo I had of him and ended with the very last one taken of him (I’ll try to share it with you tomorrow if WordPress allows the large upload). I looked at every single photo and I reflected on our seven years together and a lot on the last year. A year where there are no photos of Melvin, an acceptance that there will be no more.

Here is what I have come to know…

  • Grief has a terrible job. It shows up the moment you couldn’t need it less and it’s required to stay with you until you are ready to let it go, which sometimes is never. We blame grief for a lot, when the reality is, it’s not griefs fault. Life sends grief in to collect on the debt of love. Life can be a real jerk sometimes.  Grief poured sadness down on me some days and I begged for mercy. Then it shined moments of happiness on me and made me feel more capable. Then sadness, then happiness.  Grief gets stuck on a hurtful loop some days. Grief stayed and guided me and in some ways kept me company. It did its job and a few months ago I felt grief waving goodbye. It left a part of itself with me in the form of sadness I will forever feel for Melvin’s absence. That sadness will always be a part of me, but it no longer rules me. Grief taught me that, life will be a new version of ok if I let it be. And I did and it is.
  • For the first time in my life, I did grief right.  I let it guide me. I let it make me feel whatever it was that it was going to make me feel. I didn’t apologize for it, I just went with it. The only thing I wouldn’t let grief do was to drop anger off (trust me, it tried). From the moment Melvin got cancer to today, anger has not been a part of our journey. I know it’s not that way for everyone, grief is unique, you have to follow your own path. But for me, I cannot associate anger with anything regarding Melvin.  It wasn’t always easy, but we won in life and I am a stronger, kinder, and more understanding of how life goes after losing him. I channel my inner Melvin.
  • When you lose someone, even though they are gone, the relationship continues. After death, love lives on. I can say with absolute certainty that in this past year, my relationship with Melvin has grown. There is a spiritual bond, he is a part of me in the most beautiful ways.
  • I missed spring last year,  I must have been crying.  But this year, warmth and blooms and longer days remind me of Melvin.  This is the first spring he will be completely allergy free. That makes me really happy.
  • I always wanted a bonded pair.  I had no idea how connected they would end up being. In looking at the photos I realize now, that in the beginning, it was actually Melvin who would seek Jake out.  It was Melvin who would inch closer to his brother, even at risk of Jake lunging at his face. It was Melvin who opened up the door for their beautiful love. Jake, having lived a life before of us of having very little love, took a leap of faith with Melvin, and hit jackpot. Years prior, Melvin took the same leap with me.
  • There are very few photos of Melvin and I together.  That doesn’t upset me. As I was going through the photos I realized that in 99.9% of them, I’m the photographer.  That look on his face, is him looking at me.  And that look is what I remember and that look is everything.
  • Jake and I are so alike, it took this year for me to realize it. Jake and I suffered the same great loss, and in our grief, the only thing we wanted was Melvin back.  For a while, that meant that each of us needed space from the other, to be alone. But there came a time that we realized we needed each other more. Our love is forever cemented in the  year we traveled together, learning to live without our best friend.
  • A year can feel like it passed in the blink of an eye at the same time it feels like infinite time and space.
  • You can never predict what will break you.
  • I get why people say ‘I will never get another dog’.  I say it now, just thinking about losing Jake and going through this all over again.  But the truth is, the love is always worth the grief. Always. Love is strong and wild and soul changing. Grief can’t erase it. And I know, eventually, there will be other dogs and I know that Max and Melvin and even Jake expect nothing less of me.
  • Love is why we are here.

Thank you, all of you, for standing with us this past year.  For following along and holding space for us. I love this blog, I love coming here to put my thoughts together, I love that I can share just about anything here and I love the love you give us.

A year later, we are good.  We are happy, we are joy seekers! Melvin is a part of every day and he does now what he has always done, he guides us forward and fills us with love.

We are blessed.

#lovesliveson

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Photo credit: Kate Juliet Photography

 

 

Oh, Jake.

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I am currently staring at Jake. I don’t know about others but after a cancer diagnosis, staring time picks up. Since Jake doesn’t know he has cancer, he probably just thinks I’m stalking him. He’s so vain, he probably thinks this blog post is about him.

I don’t think about his cancer all the time, he and I have agreed to just exist (ok fine, I decided for him). Every now and then reality knocks and I’m reminded our time is going to be cut short. I’m not counting months, but I know it’s coming. I watch that rear left leg falter and I’m reminded that sadness is looming around the corner.

Losing Jake, feels impossible on its own.  Jake is my  baby, I don’t know if that is because he is little or because he needs me so much or because he wears diapers or because I have to carry him. He is my little, big baby. Jake is also a connection to Melvin. He is the only living creature who loves Melvin as much as I do. There is the difficult reality that both Jake and Melvin will be gone.  I’ve committed to letting Jake be an only dog for the time he has left so there will come a day that I walk into this house and there are no dogs.  And that feels…well it feels a little impossible.

These moments, where all these realities collide, they don’t own the day.  We are in fact, enjoying spring, finding reasons to laugh and living like cancer is not our roommate. I am operating under the assumption that I will be changing his diaper for many, many more months to come.  Joy still owns this joint.

I’ve been working on a project with Melvin photos and videos.  It’s a win, win – I end up with something special and it has helped me so much to go through our lifetime of photo memories. From the moment I got Melvin, I felt we were destined to be together.  In going through the photos I realized that Jake and Melvin, were also meant to be.

Jake continues the completion of my life for me, but I think in order to complete Jake, I just had to get him (in this life) to Melvin. Not that being with me hasn’t been spectacular (doy!), and obviously as Jake’s ONLY CARETAKER I’m needed, but Jake’s greatest joy, was always Melvin. It is so evident in the photographs. Melvin gave him calm, and confidence and purpose and love. Melvin made Jake whole. Even the behaviorist said that, Melvin healed Jake in a way we will never understand.

I was Melvin’s joy. Melvin is Jake’s joy. They are my joy. No matter what happens, we won.

When Jake’s time does come (in hopefully 55 years), it will be so bittersweet.  He’ll be leaving me but at that very moment, he will see Melvin.  And for Jake, that will be everything.

These boys, they give me strength, even when they are breaking me. Love is strange and strong and for us, always worth it.

Lastly, life lessons can occur at any hour of the day. Jake poop’d in the middle of the night last night. I leapt up to clean up and ended stepping barefoot into it. I started laughing hysterically. I don’t know if was insanity or truly a commitment to love, but I realized these moments, even the crap moments, our life is unfolding. Life doesn’t wait for us to live it. You have to march forward, through the poop, and keep giving it all that you have. Hold on tight, cause it might just be glorious!

Happy weekend!

My new cuff bracelet…IMG_8089

Jake’s new outdoor bed (still too cold to go outside) and I think the mat being there (it goes outside too) is poetic.  We say ‘nope’ to cancer! IMG_8058

Melvin’s Project Joy: April 2016

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MPJ-Color

Time for more giving! As we come up on the year anniversary of losing Melvin, and as Jake and I move together on his journey, this month we celebrate our cancer dogs.

As a reminder, each month, we do a giveaway that celebrates the unique nature of our furry friends. There are monthly categories (so far we have done: seeing impaired, hearing impaired, less than four legs, anxiety stricken and senior dogs).

Here is how it works…

This goes beyond just a giveaway (but yes, there is of course some loot!). Our goal is to remind each other that we are all in this crazy life together. That through these giveaways, we can all bring empathy into play. As you share stories of your cancer dogs, read the stories of others. You may nod, and realize just how much we all have in common. You can message others and share your experiences and advice. Friendships will form. Support can be shared. Joy will be spread!

Share your cancer dog (or dogs) (their name, a photo. and the story about their awesomeness) on either our Facebook page containing this post, on Sirius Republic’s Facebook page when they share this post. If you are not of the Facebook world, you can email your info to ohmelvinyojake@gmail.com. No matter how you submit your info, you will be entered to win. You can nominate your dog if they are still with you or if you have lost them.

READ ALONG AS OTHERS POST. DON’T FORGET TO REACH OUT.

In celebration of the blog turning five, we will pick five winners at the end of this month! Five dogs will win a Sirius Republic gift cert!

 

Does a blog about dogs age in dog years or calendar years?

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April 1st is the blog’s birthday.  No fooling. I have never missed the anniversary, until this year.  In fact, had Facebook not sent me my daily-memory-reminder-for-years-past, I don’t think I would have remembered at all!

Losing Melvin softened some of my Type A’ness. At first it drove me nuts but now I just go with it!

So yay us! Friday marked five years of blogging! Woot woot!

The very first thing I felt when I realized the anniversary was gratitude, for all of you.  I love writing, coming here and sharing our life and having a repository for my thoughts, is my happy place.  You are part of our village!  This past year has been hard and having this blog and having posts to look back on has been a source of great healing and inspiration for me.

So thank you, for you!

I don’t know what this next year and blogging will bring. Jake’s time with me is going to be short. That is a reality. And even though this blog was my outlet for grief this past year, I don’t really want to write about grief…again. Heck, I don’t want to feel grief again but that is a whole different set of emotions! I’m not sure how long of a period there will be when there are no dogs here.  This clearly falls into, ‘we don’t know what we don’t know’.

For now, this blog is five and this blog is incredibly special to me and you, each of you, make my day regularly!

Thank you for following along, for loving my boys and for laughing and crying with us. Thank you for all things you! High-five to five!

In year one, there was just me and Melvin. And his girlfriend, fluffy pillow.IMG_0272

In year two, there was a new house and Melvin clearly hated it. 7 6 12

In year three, Jake joined.  He has always been so comfortable and natural in front of the camera. IMG_2745

In year four, there was so much love, we almost imploded. IMG_0493

And in year five, it was this guy and me. He is still so relaxed when the camera comes out. IMG_6475

Jake snuggles now.

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Up until about a month ago, the only one who was ever successful at snuggling with Jake regularly daily hourly constantly was Melvin. Jake would snuggle with me if Melvin was snuggling with me, also known as jealous snuggling (he was jealous that Melvin was snuggling someone else).  He would snuggle if I constantly petted him.  If I stopped, say to itch my nose or reach for my drink, he was gone. There was never a single time I didn’t feel like I was holding him hostage.

The day we found out about his cancer I got down on the floor with him laid next to him.  I didn’t do anything but lay there, eventually he laid down too. WAIT, WHAT WAS HAPPENING? So I continued to just get on the floor with him, both of us just chilling out.

Then I inched closer for a few times, he was…calm.  I sorta kicked myself for not TRAINING him to snuggle sooner.  Now…he and I snuggle.  I wrap my arms around him, we nap, he rolls back…into me. I don’t know why it has happened, if he sensed I needed it or if he just got tired of fighting it, but my little dude snuggles now!  Maybe he pretends like I’m Melvin.  I am fine with that too.

Zero pictures of this phenomenon.  But its pretty friggen awesome.

Here are some photos of him being adorable.

The laying down ‘superman’IMG_7652

“Who is that sexy beast in the photo?”IMG_7963

Gaurd dog. IMG_7971

Have a great weekend!

 

The little leg that couldn’t.

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Jake has a nerve sheath tumor, basically taking up his entire hind left leg.  On the MRI, his right (healthy) leg showed up as completely black and his chicken (cancer) leg showed up as completely white. He also has a tumor (that caused his leg cancer) at the bottom portion of his spine and add to that his normal spinal challenges and that leg has a lot working against it.

For a while now, even before diagnosis, I have noticed that the left leg never really makes it all the way to where Jake is going.  I usually follow-up behind him and help that leg get to where it needs to go.  What I don’t know is if Jake means to leave it behind, since I think both of us secretly wish it would just fall off (sorta like a Barbie’s leg pops off, not what it would really be like if his leg just fell off!).

We see the oncologist Thursday for our first appointment post radiation.  We’ll keep you posted on wonkier leg!

Radiation is over!

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Jake’s three intense days of radiation are over.  The biggest negative so far has been Jake’s smokers cough from have a breathing tube three days in a row.  The coughing was pretty hard to watch and hear but he’s much better today.  One more day or two and it should be all gone.

Jake is doing great so far.  I did have to switch him from his raw diet to a cooked bland diet during radiation.  I could tell he was nauseous and the liquid burps picked up. Jake is super dramatic with his liquid burps. The burp occurs and then he gargles and thrust his head backwards and arches his back and then he chomps on said liquid burp so he can really own how disgusting he is. I had consulted with a Vet Nutritionist prior to radiation so I was ready to go when the burping first signs of upset started. Jake will stay on the bland cooked diet until our two week oncology check-up, then he will likely move on to a cooked balanced diet.

I am pro whatever diet works best.  If someone comes at me anti-raw, I just agree to disagree. I am also not going to push you into raw. I take care of my dogs, you take care of yours, it’s all good. The point of seeking out a nutritionist (who happens to be ok with raw diets) was to figure out what is best for Jake now that he has cancer and will be going through radiation side effects.  So now, I cook for him.  And to be honest, I love it.  It fills up my need to nurture him in every way possible.  At first it seemed like a lot of work with the cooking and measuring and weighing. But Sunday I made his meals for this week and it felt really great to have it done and to have prepared it just for him.

I can’t cure him, but there are so many other ways I can heal him.

We go back to the oncologist in two weeks. With Jake’s radiation, the digestive side effects can show up right away but the other side effects usually take about 2-3 weeks to show up. Those can include internal and external burning.  I almost passed out when they said ‘internal burning’.  Not that external burning sounds like a party bus but I pretty much assumed external issues.  The oncologist thought Jake’s external side effects should be minimal due to his thick muscle mass and due to the radiation targeting deeper, past the skin.  He may lose some hair and we will watch for burns on his skin but for the most part, most of his burning will probably be on the inside. It’s just as it sounds, he will feel a burning sensation in the area above his left hip. And that should last a week or two and can be managed with an increase in pain meds.

Jake won’t have any more scans. Radiation buys us time. We are on a course of joy. When the balance of joy to struggle begins to shift in the wrong direction, I will know.  Jake’s cancer can be painful.  He already carries spinal cancer, a bum eye, hind leg weakness and a MRSP infection. Decisions from here on out will be made the same way they have been in the past. With love.

For now, he is fine. He loves his new food regime, radiation seems to have given him super-hero-energy because he has been very playful and spunky the past few days.  He’s in great hands with our regular vet, our oncologist, his holistic vet and his nutritionist.

It just occurred to me, Jake is a Kardashian.

Here is Spunky Brewster getting his laser done yesterday.  Usually he’s calm and relaxed but Radiation Jake was squirming all around and rolling back and forth, almost giggling like a little girl!

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Kids and kindness.

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Kids gravitate to Jake.  I think they see him as a live bobble head and know that hilarity will ensue. Maybe they relate to his diaper. Whenever I am with the kids in my life, they either ask to see photos of Jake or to check-in on the live Jake cam.  There have been times when the visual of Jake has taken a child from tantrum to laughter.  Nine times out of ten, when I see Hadley, Blake, Lane, Maddy or Emmie, the very first thing they will ask is ‘How is Jakie’?

Jake has not always reciprocated that love back.  There was the time that Princess TuTu came over, in a tutu (thus the name) and Jake latched onto the tutu as she tried to run away from him.  He refused to let go.  It was not adorable. We finally got him off of it. Jake also used to be an ankle biter (his way of getting kids and other dogs to play but no living creature has ever enjoyed it or seen it as an awesome way to be invited to have fun). Most of them just screamed ‘HE’S BITING ME’!   I obviously trained him not do it.

For a while now, he has been kid-tested, mom-approved. As long as no one wears a tutu.

This past week, a little peanut named Peyton stopped off with her awesomely, thoughtful mom (and our other sweet peanut Laney Bug) and dropped a gift basket off for Jakie.  The day they stopped by was one of our less than great radiation days – the visit and the basket turned our day around.

Heart full.

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Super Jake.

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Jake started radiation.  As quickly as he starts it, it will be over.  He only has to do three days.  To be honest, I’m much more concerned (at this point) about him being under anesthesia three days in a row.  I can worry about the side effects of radiation after that. The Oncology Service knows what they are doing. I dropped him off and his dedicated tech came out to get him.  When I picked him up, he was carried out to the car with his belongings.  It’s an awesome practice and I have complete faith in them. Since Jake has MRSP, he’s in a more secluded area which all know works out just fine.  No wonky lunging at other cancer patients!

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Jake is having a relatively new form of radiation available to pets called, Stereotactic radiation (SRT).  This radiation benefits Jake (personally) in two ways.  1. The protocoled radiation treatment for Jake’s cancer is 20 days of consecutive radiation (and anesthesia). That much anesthesia felt worrisome to me (and his medical team) since he is smooshy faced and has breathing issues. He is getting almost the same amount of radiation benefit in just 3 days.  2. Fewer side effects (hopefully).  If you are at all interested, here is a blurb about it (copy credit to The Veterinary Cancer Center). If you are not interested (we forgive you!) you can skip down.

Stereotactic radiation (SRT) and Intensity Modulated Radiation Therapy (IMRT) are becoming more readily available for animals. In the past, traditional radiation therapy to treat cancer in pets would usually result in significant side effects and many owners would decide not to pursue treatment because of this. IMRT and SRT are changing the way that we are able to treat cancer in pets, and they have great potential to improve both your pet’s quality and quantity of life.

What is Stereotactic Radiation or Stereotactic Radiosurgery? 
Stereotactic radiation, also known as stereotactic radiosurgery, involves delivering a small number of large radiation doses to the tumor, in the hope of causing maximal tumor damage while limiting the dose to the normal tissues. Usually this is done in 1 to 3 treatments over a short period of time. With stereotactic radiation, a large number of beams are directed at your pet from all different angles and the shape of the radiation beam is changed, during treatment, to deliver radiation where it is needed most.
What tumors can be treated with SRT? 
SRT can be used to treat a variety of tumors, including brain tumors, pituitary tumors, nasal tumors and other tumors involving the head and neck. It also can be used to treat tumors of the spine and some parts of the abdomen or chest. It can be used for pets when daily visits and anesthesia may be too dangerous.
Prior to radiation, I had our consult with the nutritionist (who I LOVE).  The plan is that I will keep Jake on his raw diet as long as he does not exhibit any digestive issues.  If he has a hard time during radiation, I will give him a bland diet (cooked lean turkey or beef and white potatoes), then go back to raw.  If he develops any ongoing digestive upset, we will change his diet to a cooked/balanced diet that the nutritionist will outline for us. You know I love a good plan!
For now, Jake is doing great. One day down, day two in progress!
Here is Super Jake after day one, keeping watch over his kingdom.
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Leaving.

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I went on an annual family vacation this past week.  We spent 4 days in the Bahamas, soaking in sun, adult beverages and family time.  Last years trip was impacted by Melvin’s cancer (and that’s ok) but this year I was able to go, and breathe and relax a little.

Leaving Melvin was not always easy, not so much the me leaving him part but the him being left part. From the moment my suitcases would come out for packing, Melvin would get antsy and sad.  He’d cling to me in a ‘no, don’t go, how could you leave me?’ way.  He’d whimper when I’d say good-bye and he’d try to come out the door with me as I left. When I’d return, he’d greet me with whole-body-wiggles and kisses and then give me the cold shoulder for a week. Punishment at its finest.

Jake is different.  When I get the suitcases out, Jake sees them a new bed. When I give him an extra long good-bye hug, he get’s annoyed and tries to break free.  When I give him one last glance, he gives me the ‘are you still here’ look.  And when I come back, it’s as if he didn’t even notice I was gone.  He comes waltzing out as if he just saw me ten minutes ago.

 

Here are some photos of Jake’s time with his sitter and my view in the Bahamas!

‘Are you my new mom now, cause I’m cool with whatever?’IMG_7851

 

If this isn’t a bobble head, I’m not sure what is. IMG_7855

Paradise Island…IMG_7688IMG_7788IMG_7839

 

Jake takes over.

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What’s up my peoples? Life here is GREAT!

For a week or two she kept taking me places where I’d fall asleep and wake up wonkier than usual.  I started worrying that aliens had abducted me but she assured me that it was just for some tests (wait, isn’t that what aliens would do?)  To be honest, I love a good nap so no complaints here!

A few times when I woke up from the wonky state, her eyes were leaking but then she fixed her eyes and now it’s pretty much just ‘love on Jakie 24/7’.  As it should be.

Seriously, here is what I have put together…leaky eyes leads to:

  • Her laying on the floor with me all the time! I love it!
  • Peanut butter.  A lot of peanut butter!  She says ‘life is short, eat the peanut butter’ and I say ‘yes ma’am can I have another’
  • Love. I mean I already felt a lot of love from her but now she’s singing and dancing and she picks me up and we dance together and I’m not gonna lie, we could be on dancing with the stars! She usually sings that song that is on the radio…”I’ll be here to save the day, Superman’s got nothin on me, I’m only one call awayyyyyyyyyyyyy”.
  • Stories about Melvin.  Lately she has been telling me how alike me and the big guy are, how we stole her heart and she wouldn’t have it any other way.  Any mention of Melvin, makes me swoon so hard. I love him, more than peanut butter.

So all is great here!  My legs drag sometimes but it don’t bother me.  I just pull them around like the sultry beast that I am.  I make wonky look sexy.  True story.

Her rolly bag came out and she put stuff in it so that means that Tayler is coming to stay with me and that is seven different shades of awesome! Unlike my brother who got upset when she’d leave, I do not care as much.  She will leave, Tayler will come, it will be awesome, she will come back, that’s awesome too.  It’s all good up in my hood!

Peas out.

PS. here are some photos of me that prove my sexiness.

Sexy evidence #1. How is this for ‘the thinker’, Rodin? (Although I say ‘thinker’ she says ‘stinker’.  She is not funny.)IMG_7616

Sexy evidence #2. Some are not confident for a close up but when you’re as incredibly attractive as I am…it don’t matter. IMG_7632

Sexy evidence #3. I dare anyone who claims that neck waddles are not sexy to look at this and not see hotness. Boom, told you. My band name should be ‘neck waddles by the fire’. IMG_7588

 

The plan.

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Jake’s treatment plan has been outlined and scheduled. Sometimes when things like cancer come up, you have plans with the oncologist and you have plans with the vet(s) and you have concerns that need addressing and you have to act as the liaison between everyone and be sure that it’s not just about each doctor’s responsibility, it’s also got to be what’s best for Jake overall.

For instance, this week I am having a consult with a vet nutritionist in CT. My goals are to be sure that Jake’s nutrition is right during radiation, right after treatment and right for all his other issues. Right?!

Next week, Jake will have three intensive days of radiation.  He’ll have to be anesthetized each day. Three days of treatment, and then, we’re done. Side effects, if he were to have any, would occur 7-10 days after treatment.  The side effects, which should be minor, are the only non-joy things I’m wiling to proactively take on. If a few days of discomfort give us six months, I’ll take it. If it was going to be months of pain or discomfort, that is not road I’d take us down.

I cancelled our upcoming behaviorist appointment. He can be as horrible as he wants! The behaviorist agreed.

I’m handling Jake’s cancer very…tactically.  It’s not at all how I handled Melvin’s cancer. There is no guide (is there?). My goal is to remain upright. I don’t think about him having cancer 24/7.  In fact, wile I think about it more right now due to all the appointments we have scheduled, I’m hoping/thinking that we will have some time where cancer is just a thing, not THE thing. Honestly, I have no idea what I’m doing but I’m guided by love so it will be ok.

These days are emotionally complicated for so many reasons. Jake has cancer. The cure for his cancer is removing it which is not an option for us. I’m being reminded by Facebook about  where we were with Melvin last year. The year anniversary of losing him is coming up. I’m trying to live in he moment — which is hard when during this month I do want to look back and honor Melvin and I want to look forward past the radiation to how I can give Jake joy. There is one thing that is exactly the same between last year and this year — nights are hard. I cry. I worry. I try to have the next day planned out so I can wake up and go.

Our new reality and the timing of it, makes me miss Melvin even more.

This weekend, Jake did something and it made me laugh and for no reason my eyes filled up with tears and I was still laughing but I was also crying and well, who hasn’t been there. But then my phone lit up, a post popped up in my memory update…the one about Jake knowing Melvin had cancer before me (click here). And just like that, it made me remember that we were meant to be.  No matter what comes our way, we stand by each other. Laughing or crying, just show up.

Many have suggested that we do a bucket list.  I love to read about humans who do bucket lists for their dogs!  The problem is, Jake does not enjoy adventure. Like not at all. Jake hates change. If I switch up the door we walk out of, he hyperventilates. He does not enjoy going to new places (although he does enjoy being in the car). The only thing Jake would put on his bucket list is if I could take him to a field where he could hunt (and catch!) squirrels and bunnies and frogs. (I’m working on this one). And we are planning on going back to the beach this summer too!

Here is the little chicken, being adorable…

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March on.

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One year ago today, the day after Melvin’s birthday, I took Melvin for a ultrasound at a specialist and heard the words ‘I have terrible news, I’m so sorry’ followed by, ‘…probably only days’, when I asked how long he had.

The days that followed were the some of the most impossible moments I have known. Those weeks when the prognosis was ‘any moment’, I was grasping at time, and love and air… I never knew how dark the night could be. I spun, out of control. I was afraid to leave him. I tried so hard to hold onto him and love him.

The knowledge of pending death is confusing and overwhelming and terrible and sad and you are forced into mourning, before the death even occurs.  One year ago, we weren’t given good news, much time, or any treatment options. But we were given love. So much joyful love. And that love is everything and trumps anything and everything we weren’t given. Seriously people, there are no guarantees.  We suggest love. Love is a solid plan.  Seek love, give love, love love.  Create reasons for others to love, high five love, shower in love. Let love own you and guide you and let it light up all the darkness.

Love can get help you through. Love can heal you. Love lives on.

Melvin was diagnosed a year ago – Jake was diagnosed 19 days ago. 8,328 hours separate the words ‘he has cancer’ between them.  Brothers in life. Brothers in death. Brothers in cancer.  These two have an odd sense of timing and really take their bond to the extreme!

Thankfully, last March does not define all the others. It does not represent this March.  Even though we are embarking on a cancer journey at the same time this year, we have opportunities we did not have last year.  Last March is over.  This March has just begun.

“Hey, psssst, lets get cancer one year apart.” “Ok, sounds fun!”IMG_9840

Great bad news.

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I was starting to worry that we had not heard from the oncologist because it was terrible news.  As it turns out, it was really good bad news.

Jake’s cancer has not ‘officially’ metastasized.  There were some lymph nodes that could be questionable early metastasis but there were no obvious tumors in his lungs or abdomen (aside from what we already knew).

His treatment plan is a three day regimen of intense radiation (this plan is a little less radiation than the 15-20 day option but far more radiation that the palliative approach).  Then Jake will be done with treatment and he will just live a life of joy until it’s time to go be with Melvin.  We expect him to have about six months.  There are no guarantees so while it could be shorter, it could always be longer too.  I’m glad his treatment will be quick so that we can get going on the joyful part.

To make it slightly more challenging, the telling sign that his cancer is winning the war will be increased hind leg weakness. Funny,  right? That is something that will already be on the decline due his spine issues. Way to keep me on my toes Jake!

I know that Jake will let me know when it’s time. For now, I’m grateful we have options, I’m so happy we can have a little more time together.  His next six months will be packed with sweetness and love. This is so much more than others get; we will take it with gratitude and won’t waste a single minute of it.

Have a great weekend!